Friday, December 31, 2010


There's something I should tell you.
I can't stand football.
This is a harder thing to admit than you might imagine. Football and the south are intertwined in a death grip that's sweeter than a lover's embrace. You saw Blindside, right? Where did that story take place? Yes, the south. These are my associations with football:
Grade school. The small private school I attended cut the music teacher to make more room in the budget for the football program.
High school. The most frightening bully I ever encountered was a football player. He rode my bus, and I lived in the country, so it was a long ride home. He entertained the bus with loud displays of simulated sex acts in the back of the vehicle. The rest of us would sit in awkward silence, thinking of raindrops on roses, while he wailed and screamed, writhing on top of some girl he had bent over a bench, pretending to rape her. He was an enormous, testosterone driven brute and he was never significantly reprimanded. He played ball at Clemson. He played pro ball for 3 NFL teams. He was a linebacker who shut down opposing tight ends and incurred personal fouls. He won a super bowl ring in '96. He has a wikipedia entry. He also crashed his Mercedes, rolling it several times, driving at top speeds in Missouri in 2002. I have often wondered if football hadn't been there to make him into a celebrity if someone would have taught him some self-restraint.
College. The freshmen in our dorm going out for football pushed girl's faces down in the snow, and one stole a girl's pet rabbit and skinned it with the blade from an ice skate. I think football players eventually got moved out of the general population to a sports dorm, just for them.
Football. I'll pass.
--Laura

Polar Bear and Spy Cams

When nature and technology collide.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

And as we close 2010

Today is cold and rainy. I have a roast on the stove and a dog asleep with her head on my hip. The new park I found can be explored tomorrow when the rain has stopped. My thoughts turn, as I guess is traditional, to reflections on the past year. What can I say about 2010?
I've remained debt free. By August, I saved five grand. I completed 3 of the 25 items needed to ready myself for relocation. I could have done more, but changing the wiring in my house to accommodate the new ceiling fan set me back nearly a grand.
Meanwhile, some things didn't turn out so well, or didn't turn out at all. Emotionally speaking, I invested in someone I really cared for, at every level. He outgrew me. He apologized. I thought it was because he hated hurting someone he loved. I realized it was because he didn't love me, but hadn't wanted to hurt me. I thought he was My Person. Being wrong has officially been the hardest lesson of 2010.
Fair enough. I have spoken up and I don't need to again. Surprisingly, one big lesson I also learned this year came from a random comment made by a person who doesn't know my future plans. The comment was that focusing so much on where you are NOT just emphasizes the deficits in your life. I have done that often this year. Too often. The result was that I've felt anxious and defeated a lot this year too. There were other things I could have been doing. Like practicing birdwatching. Like hiking, camping and being outdoors. Like learning everything I can from park rangers. Like becoming someone I admire more before moving where I want to live, so when I get there I can take full advantage of my surroundings when I get there.
As the year winds down, I think the silver lining amidst a personally rocky year is that with so many personal goals accomplished, I can see more clearly. Eliminating debt has been important, but it wasn't the only thing holding me back. I've been waiting for ideal conditions. I'm a pretty careful person, so that's comfortable for me.
In 2011, I'm going to do it less.

--Laura

Monday, December 13, 2010

Picture of the day


Just because I love them.
Spotted (for the first time) in my front yard, drawn by the berries on the dogwood tree.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Outsourcing my research

Because I'm being a little lazy, and because I just love being mentioned in another person's blog, I'm including the link to an interesting episode of Observations about Longmont, Colorado.
I'm otherwise known as the out-of-town friend.
This blogger discovered a LOT more about this building than I had. It's an interesting slice of Longmont history.
My interest in this building stems from my hopeful venture in birding. Thing is, there would be challenges to owning a store in this building, which is probably why it's been vacant for so long. But I am drawn to it. There's a store nearby which could provide rental space for me, should I need space for crafty classes for children. It is near an art gallery which could provide adult-like space should I need it.
It has balconies, front and back.
It has ghosties. Yes, you heard me. It's allegedly haunted, with the sounds of ringing phones.
Who doesn't want a ghost?
I can only imagine the owners of the Hansen would be tickled pink to know about my fascination for their building.
P: Thanks for all the legwork. Great post!

---Laura

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hello winter

Wow, did you miss us?

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Delicate Center of Life

In the spirit of stating the obvious, life is hard. All around are examples of Broken Things. Broken dreams. Broken families. Broken minds and spirits. Broken promises. Broken hearts.
I struggle with a broken heart. There was a time when I gave my heart to someone who seemed to ask for it; seemed to want it. I gave him my heart freely and discovered my mistake too late. He has moved on, easily it seems to me, and now shares a roof with another woman. It costs me to admit this, because it is not easy for a strong, proud person to admit when they falter, but I have had a much harder time moving on myself, realizing that I was a disposable part of his life.
I share that place with you because I often write about the silver linings in hidden places. Truthfully though, sometimes you face something so completely out of your control that you break inside. You have to seal that break to keep going, but you always know it's there. It aches in bad weather. It makes you turn stations when certain songs play on the radio.
I am not sure how I would move past the Broken Things in my life without being able to focus on something higher than myself. Some call this God. For those who don't, there is a higher Common Good out there. There is humanity. There is "doing the right thing."
This evening, I indulged a yearly tradition at Emory University's Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols. It takes place each year in the university's chapel - a commemoration not only of creation, or of the creator, but an acknowledgement that we strive for that common good. The pastor phrased it beautifully - The delicate center of life. We believe that place exists. We pray for it. We sing of it. We share a vision of it with each other in the hopes that it will uplift those who most need it. People who, long ago or recently, sealed off a broken place in their heart to control the damage it did. Everyone who has lived a life has a few tombs hidden in the delicate center of their lives.
Every year, in that gathering space for both the finest of Atlanta's elite and the most ordinary of Atlanta's suburbanites, a safe haven is created. The room is dimmed. Candles are lit. Voices are raised. It is quietly powerful and wonderfully made. I hope the beauty of the evening seeped past all the hard, toughened places in people's hearts and reached the delicate center of their lives. I hope it reached into mine as well, and strengthened some of my own broken places.
My wish for all of you during this holiday season is that you encounter at least a moment that touches the delicate center in your life, and gives you peace, healing and rest.
-Laura

You should know this...

I love going to sweet concerts.
I do.

-Laura

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Silver Linings

I was given this food for thought recently:

There are only miracles. To one degree or another they all enrich the whole person. However, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung.

I got a call from dad late last night. So late, in fact, that I didn't hear the call. Then, a slightly confused message about a blood sugar drop, a call to 911 and a trip to the hospital. When I reached him this morning, I learned that she'd passed out on the bed just before bedtime, and didn't know who dad was when he tried to rouse her.

Her blood sugar is still bouncing around, so the doctors elected to keep her in the hospital through the night.

After her broken leg last week during my vacation, and now her trip to the hospital, I am looking forward to this pendulum swinging fully, so we all know what the miracle is. Seriously. Poor dear.

--Laura

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Wild Goose

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)


i fear no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-- ee cummings (1894-1962)

Traditional Family Holiday

It takes time to establish a family tradition. Prepare, execute, rinse and repeat, if you will. There's mom's famous cornbread dressing. There's dad's Christmas wallet. There's setting up the tree the day after Thanksgiving.
Those traditions in my family have been fairly fluid. I respect that, because we're flexible. We're willing to adapt traditions based on schedules and the needs of the individual members of the family, but we still gather. We still celebrate.
Here's one item we seem to stick to each holiday. One member of the family ends up in the emergency room.
This year, it was mom.
Mom and I got up the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, happy to be alive. We put harnesses on the dogs. We left the house for a walk. On the way back, mom slipped in leaves and went down like a bag of bricks, one leg in front of her, the other curled up behind her body. She landed hard on her left side, yelling out in pain. I was horrified. She looked like she'd broken her arm. I couldn't make myself leave her until she'd calmed down enough to sit up.
Then I raced back to the house, just a minute away, grabbed the keys to the car and drove back to retrieve her. She was standing by the time I arrived, and climbed into the car. We agreed not to tell dad.
At the house, she quietly asked me to drive her to the urgent care clinic. "I want someone to tell me it's just a sprain, because my ankle is really hurting."
Yeah, I really wish they could have told us that too. Because while it wasn't the ankle, it was the leg - not a sprain, a break.
So for the next 4 to 6 weeks, mom will have a splint on her leg. Fortunately, the bone didn't shift, so it is in a good location to heal. However, because she has neuropathy, the doctor is concerned that she wouldn't feel a shift if it did occur. So she will be returning to the doctor who will take more xrays to make sure she doesn't shift the bone during the healing process. If it does, she will need to have surgery to put a plate and screw in that location.
We are trying to avoid that. After the traditional gathering in the emergency room, we would like to be flexible about the outcome. No surgery this year, please. That doesn't fit around our schedules.
So I stayed a bit longer in Alabama this Thanksgiving. I am sitting in the guest bedroom right now, typing this out after packing for the trip home. There are thanksgiving leftovers in my cooler from the meal I prepared by myself while mom sat in a chair at the table and chopped vegetables.
By the way, the meal went great. Dad even had seconds of sweet potato casserole, and my dad doesn't eat sweet potato. That's something I won't forget for a while.
And as I leave, my thoughts remain with them - that they will keep their wits about them. That as mom heals, she'll stay safe. That they will keep their tempers in check as mom grows increasingly impatient with her confinement. Dad is not used to finding things in the house - that's mom's domain. But moving that walker over carpet is very difficult for my mom right now, so he will be the hunter and gatherer in the family for at least a month.
It's a real strain on that young marriage.
Happy Thanksgiving, to all your families and to all your traditions.

--Laura

Friday, November 26, 2010

Cochran Shoals - Birding for Babies

The morning after my owl prowl, I headed over to the Cochran Shoals. This bird walk, led by Audubon guides, was listed as an introductory walk, geared for kids.
Now this was a cute idea, in theory. The two guides had a box of smaller binos for children's hands and skill level. One had the birds app loaded on her ipod, allowing her to play the bird sounds we were hearing. When kids arrived, they were able to choose a sticker of their favorite bird.
Unfortunately, the children who arrived were a little younger than could handle the demands of outdoor birdwatching. Had they been able to view birds in captivity, for example at a rescue center, I think it would have been much easier to explain the point of birdwatching to them. It was also a busy walking area, with lots of noise and traffic. While the guides were very helpful, the trees we birded under were really tall, and the birds she pointed out were very small. I think it was seriously overwhelming.
I know of a small urban park near Atlanta where another Audubon guide has set up a small seating area complete with a half dozen bird feeders. This contained area, with lower hanging trees and lots of food sources would be the ideal spot for younger birders, in my opinion. You might still get kids too young to get the concept of using binos to spy on our feathered friends, but they would have more to see within a shorter distance. Then, once the kids had absorbed the concept of what birding was, they could take it further if they showed the interest.
I think it was no surprise that all but the oldest child, who had previous experience birding, lost interest quickly and departed for home.
That said, the introductory event was perfect for me. The guides were so informative, not only about birding as a hobby, but about the resources offered through the local Audubon chapter. They made the introductory master birding course sound much less intimidating.
Why not? More after the thanksgiving holiday.
Spotted today: cormorants, great herons, flickers, mallards, the usual chickadees and tufted titmice, redwing blackbirds, crows, downy and hairy woodpeckers, Canada geese, red bellied woodpeckers, ruby and golden crowned kinglets and a winter wren.

--Laura

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Sweetwater Owl Prowl

I've reached a milestone. I can now claim my first nighttime birding hike.
For this, I returned to Sweetwater Creek and joined my new favorite park ranger, along with 20 or so brave souls and short people, ready for the hike into the woods.
We first began our hike with a short presentation on the owls resident in our area, which isn't that many. The main resident is the Great Horned Owl, the most common owl in North America, so no surprise. The second is the Barred Owl. The third and last of the most common species in Georgia is the more diminutive Screech Owl. Listen to his call all the way through. He has a call like the whinny of a horse.
Don't you have to wonder how that happened?
For better or worse, this was the park ranger's strategy: take a CD Player along with us on the hike. At intervals, stop, turn on the CD player, which plays the call of the Great Horned Owl, look up in the sky and wait for something to happen.
And that's what we did. We did it next to the visitor's center. We did it where an owl had been spotted earlier in the month as people gathered for hayrides. We did it near the ranger's home, where he's heard then numerous times. Each time, it was the same.
We stood.
We stared.
We listened.
Some of us (me of course, because I fidget), turned in place. Look east. North. West. South.
That's because, as the ranger explained, Great Horned Owls have fringing on the tips of their feathers, so they can glide through the air, barely making a sound.
As we walked, the ranger told us all kinds of facts about these elusive animals. They were associated with wisdom in ancient times because they could be found near Egyptian temples. Their eyes are so big relative to their head that if it were as large as ours, their eyes would then be the size of grapefruits. Their hearing is so acute they can hunt just as accurately blindfolded as not, and hear a mouse doing damage in a cornfield a quarter of a mile away.
After no luck on our hike, he said, "I know of one other place we could try on this trail. Would you like to go?" We all agreed.
After another short walk, we stood in an open field, with tall trees on the perimeter. The CD player once again planed the call of the Great Horned Owl. Only this time, we got a response. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the dark shape in the night sky, the silent silhouette of a Great Horned Owl. He was checking out our CD player, but definitely not threatened by it.
And we were thrilled. Because in seconds, he was gone again.
Someone declares, "Wow, a hawk!" I admit this. I felt pretty good about that. "That was the Great Horned Owl," I said quietly. A few seconds later, he decided to have another look at us, and he cut across the field, so we could see his wingspan and body clearly. Then he disappeared altogether.
In the quiet, I watched the CD player as the owl call drifted from it. With its huge round speakers glistening in the dark, I thought how it looked like two enormous eyes, and said, "I think that owl checked out the CD player and thinks it's one ugly owl."
And that was our introduction to nighttime owl watching. Has anyone else done it differently? The ranger warned us that we were in a hit or miss area. No one seemed too disappointed by the walk, the exercise or the experience. And I will admit it, I like listening to the ranger talk. He seems to know where every abstract, ancient or endangered plant, butterfly or bird resides within the entire state.
I know hunting for owls is an elusive task. Because the reality is this: we could have passed a dozen of them. They just weren't in the mood to play. But something else happens, in the hunt for them. You realize that you can walk through an area and miss so much if you aren't looking. Standing in the quiet field we'd just entered moments before, standing in the still of the night, standing quietly, we began hearing the snorts and rustles of unseen deer. We never did see them, in fact. We only heard them. But they'd been there the whole time. Just like that Great Horned owl. It highlights the part of birding I love, the part you typically do alone, without a crowd. Because a crowd of birders is never quiet. They don't run through the woods, true, but they are chatting, pointing out movement in the trees, and generally making their presence known to anything in the woods with acute hearing.
But. If you are quiet... If you are patient... They will become used to you. They will accept that you aren't a threat. And if you pay attention, you will develop the subtle realization that you aren't standing alone in a woodland field.
On this owl prowl, the woods were busy, and we weren't alone. I love that.

--Laura

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Unburdening II

You know that post where I confessed I was eating like a diabetic, to avoid the wakeup call in 10 years where I actually AM a diabetic?
Well, around that time, I bought a sweet pair of jeans in a size smaller than I wear. Girls need tangible goals, and that was mine.
Today, I wore those jeans to brunch with a friend in Decatur. We went to
Cafe Lily.
You know, because they fit.
Just saying.

-Laura


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Walking the Sweetwater White Trail


Last weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting Sweetwater Creek S.P. Pleasure, partly, because it's the closest state park to my home. I am famously 5-10 minutes late to other birding sites. Here, I was actually early.

My other observation is that when a birdwalk is run by a park ranger rather than an audubon volunteer, the park ranger waits for stragglers :-) Volunteers who are birding on their time leave right at the top of the hour, on the button, no exceptions. The park ranger is AT work already!

Now, before the birding, an aside about the Visitor Center at the park. As a state conservation park, the visitor's center was designed and built green. It was finished in 2006, classified as a LEED Platinum building. We got a tour of the rooftop garden. Just as the building was finished, they lost funding, so the proposed landscaping was left incomplete. This prompted the rangers to opt for native Georgia plants rather than invasive non-natives. They are also harvesting the seeds from locations from throughout the park system. So, they are slowly removing any non-native invasive plantings already there and replacing with Georgia native plantings.

There's another notable difference between ranger-led hikes and audubon hikes. The ranger know his park. He likes his park. His house is in the park. He wants you to see lots of his park. That means you're going on a hike, which includes watching birds. Whereas the audubon folks can spend twenty minutes in the parking lot, the ranger was having none of that.

So what did I learn this trip? I learned that I've learned. When it came to binocular skills, I was near the top of the pack. When it came to spotting birds, I was right in the center. When it came to identification, I was also right in the center. I learned the names of birders I'd seen on other hikes, and discovered that many of them were more amateur than I thought. I learned that I should have bought a Sibley book ages ago.

The other thing I learned from the park ranger. As I said, he knew his park, so as we birded, he pointed out areas where they had spent considerable time and energy eradicating those non-native plant species. For half the walk, I wondered why he was so proud of that. The native species taking over weren't more attractive, in my estimation, and some were downright scraggly. But at one point, he elaborated on how the native plants actually improved the landscape for birds. For example, while dense grass like you see on green lawns might look great, it doesn't give birds many places to hide while feeding. By contrast, the scrubby native grasses provided perfect places for them to dive down and pop back up, watching for predators and feeding in turn.

"The birds are coming back here," he said. "When you walk through here enough, you can actually tell where the native plants have taken over by the number of birds you see and hear. They actually differentiate between habitats that exist just a hundred yards apart."

What goes for birds also goes for butterflies. They are introducing butterfly counts at this park. And the numbers are slowly increasing.

It was like a light went off in my head. No longer was this native plant species thing a nice, slightly greenie thing to do, just as a bragging point. I'm sorry to all the people who already knew, but I did not. I did not know the native plants were healing the habitat.

Now I do. Thanks to a quiet park ranger.


--Laura

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Where you used to be,
there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly
walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night.
I miss you like hell.

Monday, November 15, 2010

post mortem

And here I am again.
The past few weeks have been a wonderfully busy time for me. Let me catch you up.
First. Welcome back, dad, to the land of the living. I got a call from dad the day he was released and back in his own home. You know those people who escaped from the Nazi concentration camps? I think they might have sounded like him. I know he is facing each day and there are still struggles. I think there's going to be cheering in the cove when he is able to walk to his second neighbor's mailbox. But right now, he's getting to his first neighbor's mailbox. You start somewhere, don't you? Go, dad.
Did I mention how much I enjoyed my visit to Colorado? It was short, which made it convenient and relatively inexpensive. The weather was outstanding. The highlight, however, was meeting new people who were genuinely hospitable and authentic. It was really nice to land and have a specific destination, one that didn't require a plastic key card.
When I got home, I got a Sibley guide. And if I ask, I know Connie will tell me again which birding magazines she recommends.
So, a few weeks have passed now. I have a good handle on what I walked away with after this trip. My next moves aren't clear to me. My timeline isn't clear either. But while I'm here, I still have work. The bridge I'm building to my next destination begins on this side. I've got a lot of learning left to do.
Next, I will tell you about my latest birding trip. In this timezone. For now.

--Laura

Friday, November 12, 2010

...

You know how sometimes you get your hopes up very high, you feel them lift, and then you find out it was wishful thinking?
Some days go like that.

--Laura

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Stunning Halloween

This year, if I may offer some commentary on the weather in other states for a moment, Colorado had one of the most enjoyable Halloween weekends ever. The weather, in a word, was stunning.
I should add that I know this because I was there to see it in person.
If you haven't experienced it before, flying as a non-rev isn't as glamorous as it might seem. Here's the basic order of priority on flights: Priority Customers. Regular Customers. Active Employees. Corpses. Romans. You. I found out later that the flight sold out. This meant I was the last person cleared to fly. Imagine my walk of shame to the last - very last - empty seat in the plane. Luckily, I had an adorable suitcase that fit under the sit in front of me. I looked like a total pro.
Back to Colorado. I drove to Loveland that night and the next morning I was in the near "wilds" of Lyons, birdwatching in some of the nicest weather I ever expected to see in late October in the Rockies. I didn't go alone. In Loveland, I stayed with one of the nicest families I've met in years. And the next day, I met yet another member of the family, and we went birdwatching. There, two time zones from home, I danced each time I spotted a new bird for my life list.
It's tradition. How could I not?
Later, Saturday afternoon, I had time in Longmont. So I parked the car. I strolled Roosevelt Park. I went to Thompson Park, named for Elizabeth Rowell Thompson. A Boston reporter in 1899 called her the "founder of Longmont, Colorado".
I passed beautiful trees in full color. I watched squirrels with no surival instincts bury nuts in piles of leaves because they had so many to choose from it didn't matter if they buried them well. And as I walked between parks, I passed homes with front yards being diligently raked by teenagers, most of whom seemed to be scheming. Leaf piles for boobie traps. Leaf piles for decoration. Leaf piles for Halloween. It was charming and relaxing.
And Sunday, before returning to Denver, I took another walk around Golden Ponds. My poor camera was dead, but my cell phone took some of the best pictures of my trip. And later I met up with one of the finest Longmontian citizens ever. My host and I had coffee, talked and strolled around the heart of Main Street. The weekend was short, but it went as smooth as glass.
At one time I envisioned that I'd use standby travel to visit Colorado monthly. My needs regrettably changed and that plan changed too. But this trip reminded and refocused my attention on the importance of regular visits. Standby limitations may limit my ability to travel during the holidays, but I think it's going to be different in the new year, and I think it should be.
Thanks to all my hosts. It was truly a stunning Halloween weekend. I couldn't have asked for more. I hope one day in the future, I can return the favor.

--Laura

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Ready set go

Travel sized toiletries are so cute.
Standby seats are filling fast for the flight out.
Nerves ensue!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

What a Trip

Finally, back home. Later than expected. Mom is with me and I have a pot of soup cooking. Hopefully it will be done by morning for lunch. If not, life will go on.
With mixed feelings, we have left dad behind. The weekend staff at this rehab facility would not get a green light from me. Mom is in agreement and will be making some pointed calls on Monday.
But we are spent. Mom had to come with me. She is exhausted and I believe her visit will do lots of good. I hope so. She had nothing left at the end of this week, and I can see why. What a roller coaster.
So dad faces rehab and life outside the cocoon of family.
Here comes the lessons, for all of us. School is in session.

--Laura

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Replacement Parts

NOW AVAILABLE, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

My dad had his total knee replacement surgery on Monday. Both parents insisted I not be there. I could see their point. My parents have an amazing community of friends. It has always seemed to me, in the past, that mom was the social glue in our family. She was the one who made the introductions and the friends. But this is not the case here. Both mom and dad have skin the game, and both participate in their community.

So, the last time I was in a hospital with them, those people were there, keeping us company whle mom had her bypass surgery. This time, I knew they'd be just as attentive to my mom, while dad went through his surgery.

The results was a mixed bag. First and foremost, the knee surgery was successful. The doctor remarked that he should have had it five years ago, that there was so much mess behind his kneecap that it took lots of cleaning. But underneath that, solid bone. The day after surgery, the old man was up on his feet. And walking. And that's something.

Unfortunately, it seems dad also suffered a heart attack. He displayed an inverted T-wave and elevated enzyme levels, and during surgery he sweated down on the table. He was kept in ICU to monitor his levels before being released to a regular room. We are hopeful that it will not result in too much damage. So far, he's been without symptoms.

So this month gives me alot to be thanful for. I have great folks celebrating my birthday with me. My dad begins a new, less painful chapter in his life and all seems to be moving forward. The boss I had back in college tracked me down the last few weeks, and I've been able to reconnect with a really good guy. In three days, I will be driving my mom back to my house for a nice visit while dad does his rehab. It sounds like it may be shorter than we originally expected, but for all the right reasons. And in a little over a week, I will be exploring vistas two time zones away from here, even if just for a weekend.

More on that later. I have some packing to do.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The coolest geek dad ever

Who wants to get adopted by this dad?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What's it about?

I turned 40 this weekend.

I believe that people need a month to fully appreciate their birthday, thus my classification of this as my Birthday Month.


Happily, I will be filling the month with Good Things. Celebrations with friends. Things for myself I haven't done in a while. Taking advantage of the weather with hikes exploring Georgia.

In the middle of this, my dad will be getting a total knee replacement. I love him and I know it's going to hurt. But I am sure of one thing. It won't be worse than the pain he's in now. The surgery is unavoidable. Plus, I really want a better life for him. While dad is in rehab, mom will be my roommate.

Added to that, I will be meeting new people this month. There will be a long overdue trip to Colorado for Halloween. And on this trip, unless there's a blizzard, I will go birding in another time zone.

This year has involved lots of trial and error for me. I've set deadlines for myself. Aside from the financial goals, I've missed every target. That's been more than discouraging.

I presume most people reading this blog have encountered situations beyond their control. The feeling of powerlessness over that situation is one I don't wish on anyone, just as I realize, like the knee surgery, that it's unavoidable. Two weeks ago, a friend of mine quit his job. The bank will take his truck and house. His dad rented him a car and he moved to Florida with distinctly less than $1000 in his pocket. He is prepared to live with friends. He is prepared to work at a grocery store. And despite the desparation in that act, it carried the scent of temptation all over it. How easy would it be? And me, with distinctly more than $1000 in my pocket. Couldn't I go balls to the walls and make that happen? Wouldn't people applaud my guts?

I have worked hard to be more responsible. After the applause fades, I have no free ride to the next chapter of my life. There's no reassuring security of a special person or place waiting for me when I turn the page. I panic about this. I am not perversely opposed to companionship. I don't have the spirit of a gypsy. Why aren't I irresistible? What's taking so long? This is but a sample of what runs through my head.

Then, I take a step back. I notice wheels turning. I notice people who'd never view me as more than a designer describing my bird store, because of things I've said. Random conversations reveal previously unknown sources of support and resolutions for conflict. Dots connect. Even though it feels like I'm waiting, I'm not. I'm becoming who I want to be, even here and now.

I'm not hesitating at the edge of a finished bridge. I'm building a new freaking bridge. It doesn't take longer because I'm slow and lazy. It doesn't take longer because I doubt where this bridge is headed. It just takes longer to build a new bridge, period.

You may not find anything interesting in this bridge building. Believe me, some planks are more pleasant to nail down than others. My theory though is that if you're reading this, you have some interest in the outcome. You may just hope that I succeed. Maybe you even have an attraction for good craftsmanship that takes time and patience to put together.

If so, I have an excellent person you have to meet: Me. Don't miss the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this seriously rewarding investment.

--Laura - now in her 40th year--

Thursday, October 7, 2010

fall

One of the best things about fall, when there are so many nice things about fall: Your bed stops being uncomfortable like it was in the summer, with the ceiling fan whirring above your head just to keep the room tolerable. Instead, your bed is the perfect temperature, with the weight of the covers keeping YOU at the perfect temperature.

It makes it sooo hard to willingly get up in the morning. So hard.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Fall Migration

Kennesaw Mountain park is the site of tons of history for our area. The park preserves important sites in the Atlanta Campaign. This was an epic battle between Sherman and Johnston, and the mountain itself was a killing field for something like 4000 soldiers.
It's kind of nice that now it's one of the most heavily used parks in the area. If you arrive BEFORE the place opens, you have a chance of getting a spot to park. Otherwise, plan to park and walk in. It's also nice that it's ranked as an Important Birding Area.
I love taking guided walks with Audubon Society Guides. I have never met a guide who wasn't wicked smart, not just about identification, but about overall birding behavior. They will give you tips about optics, and help you distinguish between even the most similar birds. And for us, the day began with a caution.
Fall migration is one of the best times to bird in this location. It's described as a huge landing strip for all the birds heading to warmer climates. Unfortunately, the weather here as been GREAT. That's a problem. Because GREAT weather doesn't drag the birds to the ground like a nice wet and cold front would. So, instead of stopping here to fill up and get a happy meal for the teenagers, the birds do the equivalent of "driving until nightfall." Sounds like lots of them won't slow down until Florida.
Now, there are pros and cons to being alone and being with guides. We had a large group today, around 30 birders. Loud birders. The things I like about birding include nature, solitude and quiet, so that's a big consideration for me. On the other hand, I love being with the pros. Today, we were led by Chuck.
Imagine getting your morning exercise in - over a mile on a fairly steep grade. Imagine heading back down the moutain, thinking about that great breakfast you're planning. Imagine hearing this.
"YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS! IT IS A BLACKBURNIAN! OH THAT MAKES THE TRIP FOR ME."
Chalk up another positive to birding with a group. I love the geekiness attached to it like a veil of morning dew on an open field. There's no set meeting point for the bird walk in Kennesaw Mtn., but you have absolutely no difficulty locating the birders. Muted colored clothes, cargo pants so no one has to carry bags, low profile caps, binoculars in one hand (often with harnesses to avoid neck strain), and Sibley guide books tucked in back pockets.
You can also find them on any trail, if they are walking in a group. They are the big blob of humanity that moves in unison, stopping, staring into trees and pointing with binoculars. And though all the action takes place yards away, the collective gasps also come in unison.
Look! he moved!
Over there!
Between the V of the tree! Up there!
I admit it. I did it too. Particularly when I saw the Peregrine Falcon and the Yellow-Billed Cuckoo.
More than once, walkers on the way up or down would stop, try to follow where we were looking, and then walk on. One even said, "I wish I knew what they were looking at."
Yep. I like that too. We had the keys to secret knowledge on top of the mountain.
So, what did we see?

White-eyed vireo
Red-eyed vireo
Philadelphia Vireo
Yellow-throated Vireo
Swainson's Thrush
Blue-Grey Gnatcatcher
Sharp-shinned hawk
Peregrine falcon
Yellow-Billed cuckoos (beautiful, and I think my favorite spotting today
Cliff swallows
Chestnut-sided Warbler
Magnolia Warbler
Blackburnian Warbler
Black and white Warbler
Tennessee Warbler
Black-throated Green warbler
Eastern Wood Pewee (which I thought was a Phoebe)
Goldfinches
Red-Bellied Woodpecker
Downy Woodpecker
Summer tanager
Scarlet tanger (who aren't scarlet right now, but a sweet greenish yellow)
Rose-breasted grosbeak-who sounded his night migration call rather than his usual daytime squeak)
Eastern Phoebe
Brown Thrasher (our state bird)

Not a big day for the pro maybe, but a big day for me. Now to upgrade to the 8x40 binoculars. Or maybe 10x50.

--Laura

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Unburdening

I've been quiet lately. I mean, I made an entire post from a conversation I had with a customer about her divorce. Her ex- had fought over every aspect of it for two years, then ended up with someone much less put-together than this lovely, charming lady. I admire her a little. She has a life helping people. All over the country. All over the world. Have you ever organized a project that built 15 houses in 3 days? Me either.

Why have I been quiet? Well, the short answer is that I've been in repair mode. What's that, you may ask. Well. I'm about to turn 40 years old. Milestones like that are catalysts for self-reflection. And let's just say this: I'm hoping they are right about 50 being the new 40, because I feel like my 30's rushed by without me giving the decade the zest and verve it deserved.

In the past, I've posted lots of bravado about paying down my debt and getting ready for the changes to come in my life. The reality is that I fear all the time that I will not pull this off by myself. And my biggest fear is not that I'm being patient and disciplined, waiting for the right time to move and Change Everything in a Responsible Manner, but that NOW is the time to move, and because I have been out of step for a decade, I'm behind.

I always feel behind.

I'm done here, in this city. And this feeling of "doneness" isn't because I feel the need to yell "Take this job and shove it." I feel more respected at work than I've felt in a while. But it's not the same as satisfied. It's not the same as feeling fufilled. I don't feel like I'm working towards anything here. Here, I'm spinning my wheels.

OK, so I didn't answer that question about repair mode. Repair mode is me setting up the next bar. I said that I let my 30's slip past me, and I did. It wasn't just with money though. When you get stuck in a rut, it affects many areas of your life. I've even let my genetics catch up with me.

For the past month, I've been eating like I'm diabetic. Because, if I don't lose some weight now, I will be diabetic in 10 years. It's practically written in the stars - both my parents are diabetic. Heart disease runs in the family. And you know what's also in the back of my mind? It runs like a soundtrack. "Who do you think you are, wanting to change everything? You can't even change the thing closest to you? And what are you going to do when you get out there and need all this boundless energy to make things happen? Where is that going to come from?"

I'm 15lbs into my goal. I've found a plan I think not only works, but heals my system as it works. I feel better. I have to keep it up. So I will. And while I'm working on the list of 25 things I need to finish (and budget for) before I can leave, I will also be working on me. So repair mode is recognizing that not all the stones in my road are external issues. Some of the stones are the things I say to myself, to discourage myself. Others are the things I do to myself. The self-destructive things.

Stay tuned.

---Laura

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Small Blessings:

It does suck to get dumped, but it IS comforting when the only girl he can get after he breaks up with you is an ugly one.

-Me

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Muslims died on 9-11

OK.
The reason for my last post might seem a little vague. But this anniversary for some reason has been so controversial, when all this day should be about is reminding us of one thing: life is fragile. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
By the way, you can't tell me that in a cosmopolitan city like New York, that there weren't Muslim New Yorkers in that building who died along side all the others. Some reports, naturally, are widely inaccurate, designed to lean sympathies in one way or the other. But I know there were Muslims there. People who lost their lives. To make this some christian holiday of hatred against them not only infuriates me, but isn't even... well... christian.
I was working at Delta Air Lines headquarters the day of the attack. It shut down the campus, after shutting down the internet as so many people tried to connect to it for updates. I sat in the basement all morning with a radio, playing news of what was happening. It felt like being in a bomb shelter. And with just that voice, telling us what was happening, my account manager could simply not fathom that the Twin Towers would collapse. "That's not right," he said. "They are enormous."
They were enormous. Past tense.
I think they are bigger now. In memory. Maybe the memory is getting us all a little crazy? Let's think about this Muslim Community Center debate for one moment.
Who attacked us? Muslims.
Nope. Al-Qaeda attacked us.
Oh. Right. Al-Qaeda.
What is Al-Qaeda? Extremists.
That's closer. Who wants to build near the Twin Towers? Muslims!
That's closer too. Let's go deeper. What kind of Muslims?
American Muslims. New York Muslims. Immigrants and Natural Born Muslims. Not extremists. In fact, I would hazard the guess that they make Al-Qaeda Extremists sweat and itch. These are thriving, healthy American Muslims, with enough personal wealth to build in prime real estate.
How is this an affront to the terror created on 9-11? How is this an affront to the lives that were lost? Seriously? How is this anything MORE than a big old poke in the eye to extremists and their way of life than to plant a big fat moderate, centrist Muslim community center IN the community they tried to destroy? How much prouder should we be than any soldier, stationed in Iraq, who has sacrificed time, connection to home and family and even his life to calm the terror of war there, and revitalize a community in that clearly more war-torn land?
Hey! Dudes? Pluralism works. We're not scared of you. Suck it.
Sorry if my words aren't elegant today. I am not filled with sad remembrance today. I am ready for the future, when we recover from our stumblings and stand tall, with the finest qualities we are capable of.
We're capable. We are.

-Laura

Friday, September 10, 2010

Ruts

So, have you ever had this feeling? The one where the one person you wanted approval and respect from more than just about anyone, actually thinks you're despicable? Or mean? Or a moron? And you know for sure they feel this way? And they know that you know?

Okay. Hold onto that feeling for a minute. Feel the shame wash over you, as you realize that in their eyes, you're the Other. You're the person they joke about to their real friends; they joke about you to people they DO find cool. And you can't shake it off because this isn't a school chum or a bully, or someone you can taunt with "I'm rubber and you're glue and what you say bounces off ME and sticks to YOU."

Because this goes deeper. This isn't a casual thing, this is a Big Thing. And what comes with this feeling, I think, is the terrible realization that you are More Alone Than You Previously Believed.

Just wondering.

--Laura

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Boo Colorado

Today I was offered a deal I don't run into every day. I got a below average fare to Denver for Halloween weekend. It fell in my lap in such a way that I decided I had to jump on it.
With luck, I will be kicking up spirits in Colorado real soon.
It was a good day.
Boo.

--Laura

Monday, September 6, 2010

Homestretch Countdown - T-Minus 22

The double edged sword of telling everyone your plans is this: Everyone knows. I think it's easier to quietly let yourself down if you think you can't accomplish something you've set out to do.
I've had that burden on my mind lately. Because now definitely does not seem the time to pack up, quit a job and move halfway across the country, looking for work. Eww. And yet, it's exactly what I want. I travel through my day wondering when I can quit. Am I ready yet? When will I be ready? I have no debt. I have savings. I have the desire to do it.
What I don't have is a job, a place to live in Colorado, or a plan for my house.
Whew. I have never felt so burdened by a single piece of real estate. Less than a half acre. An utter albatross. Yep, that's a bird.
Each time I think about moving, I start making a list of things I need to accomplish before putting the house on the market, either to sell or, more realistically in this market, to rent. The list turns into a steamroller and I'm flattened by it.
My inner little princess is waiting for a prince on a white horse or an experienced fairy godmother. Whichever comes first.
They are late.
I decided to write the list down, just to see what it looked like. Things to do inside, things to do outside the house and things to do to myself - career-building measures.
I came up with 22 items.
Completing the 22 items will not get me to Colorado. They will, however, make the road much smoother, and will give me a lot more flexibility. It's time to chip away at the burden.
Before vacation, I completed one thing on the list already. I'm on my way already.

P.S. for those really interested, the list is below.

--Laura


TO DO – INSIDE HOUSE
1. Paint bathroom
2. Hire electrician for ceiling fan
3. Hire plumber to update bathroom fixtures.
4. Choose tile for kitchen and hire someone to redo the kitchen floor.
5. Dump furniture not coming with me in the move.
6. Paint guest room and bath
7. Paint great room and kitchen
8. Replace windows in bathrooms & possibly the great room.

TO DO – OUTSIDE HOUSE
1. Pull out landscape timbers and burn
2. Remove a diseased tree
3. Remove vines from both fences.
4. Remove stumps from back wall
5. Install edging around trees in front and backyards.
6. Create new birding station in backyard over the site of my burn pile.
7. Create a new patio area in backyard.

TO DO – CAREER BUILDING
1. Dreamweaver – the essentials & Beyond the Basics
2. CSS
3. Flash
4. Build an online resume
5. Build online webpage.
6. Find a host for resume and webpages.
7. Research what is needed to sell bird supplies on my site.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

sugar baby grown up


sugar baby grown up, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

This is the sugar baby, grown up. I gave it to Mama Rose, who called me delightedly happy. She said, "It's ripe to the rind and so good!"
She is naturally saving the seeds.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

countdown to adulthood

First Task: I have to repaint the bathroom - some of the paint has chipped above the shower. No one would rent the house with a shower like that.
I will let you know when it's done. My words are pretty boring, so I will even post pictures.

-Laura

Sunday, July 25, 2010

morning random thought

Interesting debate question: What's more important to an economy: A businessman, or a consumer?
I don't have an opinion, just ideas. Do you?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

recurrence

When I was a teen, I had recurring dreams... recurrently... if that's a word. So much, in fact, that I can still remember the dream I had whenever I faced large projects I wasn't sure I'd properly prepared for. And if you don't realize this, a control freak is never convinced that they've properly prepared for anything.
Why did they stop in adulthood? I guess you'd have to consult my subconscious. Maybe I felt like I had everything under control, so there was no need for a dream to work out the puzzles created during wakefulness. Maybe I had gotten into such a rut that I HAD no puzzles.
A few nights ago, I dreamt that I walked into my backyard. The raised bed containers were intact, but my garden was gone. All the plants had been plucked out by the roots and discarded who knows where. As I surveyed the rest of the yard, which seemed fine, I could see just beyond the fenceline where my neighbor's property began. My neighbor's backyard looked like he'd won a contest to have it landscaped. All grass was gone. All structures were gone. Red clay remained. I stepped inside the neighbor's house, which in my dream had become white and mult-storied. There were stairwells everywhere, and young kids of all ages hanging from walls, lounging against doorjams and essentially making racket. Think Never Never Land. They all seemed to know me. They felt familiar, but I couldn't identify specific kids.
I woke up around that point and realized something. I'd had this dream before. Small details had changed. The last time I had the dream, the landscaping destruction had left my home intact, but had taken over the whole neighborhood, like a backwards development project where the workers built the homes before grading the lots or paving the road. And when I'd gone in the house last time, all the stairs were the same, but the children ran from me, hiding in an odd tree growing at the center of the home. I spent the rest of the dream searching for them.
What conclusion would I draw from this? That the uprooting of my life is approaching, and it's getting closer? None of the destruction happened in my yard, but it was more focused this time, and just one house away. Change approaches.
Last time, I never really saw the children. This time, they were all within reach. This time, they were larger. Are the children the symbol of potential? New challenges and dreams? Dreams develop.
I suppose some who have powerful associations with home, those who'd be devastated by the loss of place and things would find this dream troubling. All the destruction. Surely it's the sign that your subconscious is upset. Maybe you should reconsider.
Thing is, I remember no anxiety in my dream. Just lots of steps. Lots of bare land, waiting to be filled with plants and trees. Possibility. That is what my mind is acknowledging. I am clearing the landscape for possibility.
To celebrate reaching my savings goal, I made the first purely luxury purchase I've made in a long time. I got a 16GB Zune HD. Yes, I was taunted by my geek friends. Anyway, I wore it this morning as I walked Mollie. I listened to NPR as they interviewed astronauts at the sunset of the 30-year space shuttle program. While reporter Scott Simon thrilled during a trip on the astronaut's simulator, he asked Cmdr. Mark Kelly if he was going to miss the program and the Endeavor. His answer was so... so right:
It will be sad to "full stop" on the runway for the last time and watch the Endeavor get carted off to a museum. But it's important to do that, so we can move on and do other things. And we can't do both.
You can't hold onto a house and move forward. You can't make a fresh start with a sack full of belongings. Moving on to Better doesn't always mean letting go of the Bad. Sometimes, it includes letting go of Okay and Good and Doing Fine as well. What does your heart ask for? If you tell it to hush when it asks for Better, perhaps you should stop. It will find ways to keep asking until you listen. Maybe through recurring dreams. Just keep in mind that things and houses and jobs will disappear and transform. What remains are human connections and the love you feel for people who had an impact on your life. When you locate those people, you should never let them go. The rest is just matter and particles. It can be reconstructed.

--Laura

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

This is how Mollie explains that we've only walked around the neighborhood once, which is not nearly enough. As we approach my mailbox, notice how she switches to the other side of the road. She wants to make the right turn just ahead and go around our circle one more time. She mysteriously slows down once we pass the mailbox.

Early harvest


Early harvest, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

Some other bloggers I know have been boasting with pictures of very ripe tomatoes. I have the issue of lurking chipmunks, so I really couldn't afford to let the FIRST tomatoes be taken in our cold warfare. These ripened just fine on the counter. I will let the rest ripen on the vine. They won't be the FIRST.
Also in the picture, cucumbers - my first ever to grow straight - plus basil and lemon thyme.
Welcome home.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"There" is here

Today, I am proud to report that I've reached my savings goal. I retired a school loan, a credit card debt, and built savings nearly equal to the debt I had when I started. So, for all the times I can remember thinking, "it's hard doing this. I have to stay focused," and for all the folks who pitched in or cheered me on, saying, "Keep at it, you'll get there."

I'm there.

What's next? Yes, I already have a list. I will point to that tomorrow. Today I'm just going to enjoy the moment.

I'm there.

Friday, July 9, 2010

red-tailed hawk

Why do you run away whenever I look your way?
Do you know that I adore you?
Do you know how much I want to see you?
And again, I turn away as you dodge and fly away.

-- Laura

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

are you proud of yourself?

So are you proud of yourself?

I am taking a momentary detour from my Business Plan for a reflection. Many times, when you hear that sentence, it puts you on the defensive. It means you've been a jerk. It calls you to attention. I imagine that right before the phrase was uttered, you were probably heading full tilt into the arms of egoism.

Mind yourself!

That completely adult voice first censors you as a kid. And your conscience sucks it up through a straw until it becomes your adult voice. There is nothing to be gained from acting out, so behave.

This could easily become a conversation about standing up for yourself. But I mean more than that, I think. Today, I had the opportunity to talk to a peer. We were discussing a mutal friend, when the conversation became more personal. In fact, I tipped my hand more than I usually do. I guess in part it is because I can see the end of the road. I can see my next steps, and while I may not know exactly how things will unfold, but I believe I will be capable of dealing with them.

About three years ago, I was sitting in the middle of a mess. Such a mess, in fact, that I had too many directions to go at one time. Nothing was catastrophic, mind you, but all were chinks in a tarnished, dull, low-budget armor. I used it to weakly defend my paralysis.

I had to turn over a stone. I had to start. Somewhere. I began with finances. That felt like the largest stone in my way. What I realized over time was that finances were the most visible. With it (nearly) removed, it uncovered other stones. The stones represent all those times I broke promises to myself. The stones are those times I asked others to motivate me to do better. The stones are all those times when I didn't expect better from myself.

The stones were the times when I didn't think anything better could be waiting in store for me.

Where do you find yourself? Are you in the wrong place, happy to have found something low-key and safe, believing it's the best you will do? Meanwhile, people around you stare at you in puzzlement, wondering why you've accepted something so mediocre, when you deserve the dreams you had when you were much younger?

There are days when I am too. They are becoming fewer and farther between, however.

So, are you proud of yourself? That has a different meaning to me these days. It asks me if I'm confident enough in my abilities, confident enough in my decisions, that I can take responsibility for myself. Yes. I'm happy with the path I'm clearing. I'm happy to explore the road it reveals. It's taking me where I need to go. And as I find my way, I believe I will also find the people I am meant to touch and be touched by. I believe I will have clear sight into the situations I'm supposed to influence, and the situations that are supposed to influence me.

It's tempting to settle for the apple that falls out of the tree when you walk underneath the branches. It's there. It's free. You're hungry. But there is fruit higher in the tree that takes a little effort to reach. In reaching for it, you get stronger and more experienced and wiser in addition to gaining the nourishment that apple provides. And you know, not only am I reaching for fruit higher in the tree, I'm actually becoming that fruit too - sweeter, tastier, and worth the wait.

Besides that, the view is going to be breathtaking. I just know it.

--Laura

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

canteloupe spotting


canteloupe spotting, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

Covered in garlic and cayenne but here it comes finally!

sugar baby grows up


sugar baby grows up, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

I have a shameful confession. I photoshopped the melon! I know it's subtle, but I wanted to lighten the foreground without blowing out the melon itself. I did a layer mask, and now I think it looks brighter. I should have changed the original picture a bit, however, to darken the melon and bring out more detail on the top. Maybe next time.
Anyway, one branch of the vine had gotten outside the bed, and this ping pong ball sized melon was sitting on it, pretty as anything.
I have to say, it is constantly nice to think that my last garden at this house is going to produce such a nice harvest. I feel really grateful.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

morning beauty

This hasn't been the best week. Enjoying a period of workplace equilibrium, I should have understood the pendulum would continue its swing, and it did. Details would bore you, but I'm feeling pretty low about the development. Intellectually superior, but truly frustrated.
There are times when I wish I was a drama queen. I know people who can poop out a temper tantrum without being that mad even, just because they know it will make others uncomfortable. I am not this person. I can't watch Jerry Springer, because the drama makes me so uncomfortable. The problem with this is that when I express anger, particularly to people used to dealing with drama queens, it doesn't seem angry enough.
That's not the point of this post. The point is that I wanted to marinate in my anger this weekend. Instead, I walked. A lot. And my dog loved it. And this morning, as I rounded a bend in the road, I saw a flash of golden red and a sweep of wings taking flight. It was the neighborhood red-tailed hawk, adult rufous which is my favorite. Hawks like open expanses, and when you see their wings unfurl, you have to agree that they seem suited to large fields where the drafts support them. But this one was almost crouching in a stand of hardwoods and pine trees, in the tree's mid story. When he took off, he floated under the lowest branches, then banked heavily to pop to the top of all the trees and out of sight.
He was definitely bigger than the Eastern Towhee I saw recently. And yet in the same stand of trees. I am beginning to feel like they wait for me, like they stand watch. If I'm an early riser, I see a bluebird. If I'm running behind, like this morning, I have a moment of raptor rapture.
Was it sufficient grace for the day? I will let you know. But it helped, as did the bramble of ripening blackberries and the entertainment of Mollie stalking squirrels (good girl!) and the discovery of new squash after I thought all my plants had been massacred by chipmunks.
I think that's what birding does for me. If I give it some time and step away from my everyday life events, it shows me glimpses of nature I wouldn't have had otherwise. And that fills up the reservoirs of grace. It's not enough to fill up the heart indefinitely, but it is enough for today.
And today is all you can plan for. It's blessing enough for anyone.

--Laura

Friday, June 18, 2010

down to business: part I

I've been talking for a while now about my plans once I relocate to Colorado. I've struggled for a while now to keep things very clear and linear in my mind: focus on what's in front of me, and leave the future to the future. I do not know how the picture will look once I move, and I will need the flexibility to shape my decisions based on new information, rather than blindly proceeding with plans I made in Georgia that don't work in Colorado.
But the project I want to create in Colorado is fun, and I enjoy thinking about it. So when I found an outline for a business plan at the Small Business Administration website, I copied it. It was posted to help the entrepreneur begin the process of putting their dream on paper. After you answer the questions it asks, you are supposed to have the outline of a solid business plan. So that's what I've been doing.
I apologize if this "Down to business" series of posts is long and boring. I'm blogging about it because I like to think out loud. I like to have people play devil's advocate. Opening my process up to scrutiny is how I figure out things that nag at me, and how I prepare myself for the unforeseen.
So this is part I. First, the question from the SBA:
What business will you be in? What will you do?
My answer:
This is a specialty retail store, a one stop shop for everything related to birdwatching or birding. It will offer products as well as services. It will also be a community resource for both the 61 million birders who report watching birds at least 20 days a year and those individuals and families looking to connect with nature and the outdoors learning an interesting hobby.
Products will include seed and seed blends, optics, nest cams, bird feeders and nesting boxes, feeding stations, books and videos.
Service will be the cornerstone of the store. Building relationships builds loyalty, even in a down economy. The services will be defined by customer demand, but could range from birdseed delivery, loyalty programs, delivery and setup for birdfeeding stations, digital picture processing for those who like to catch their birds on camera, in-store product testing, so customers can see how products work before they buy them, craft activities for children of different age groups, to help the parent foster an interest in bird watching with their children, and free or low-cost lectures about the varied topics related to birding.
Being a community resource serves on multiple levels. First, I believe in partnerships with local merchants, even ones that might not seem an obvious fit for a bird watching store. I want a community presence and I believe that small business owners, particularly in the same neighborhood, either “hang together or hang separately.” Second, if I am a clearinghouse for information about birding, I will become better informed. Something as simple as devoting a small space on my wall to a map of the immediate area for reports on the first hummingbird sighting of the year or bird lists at the local reservoirs can add value to my customers’ experience. Additionally, I can partner with businesses in my neighborhood and experts in the field of ornithology and related aspects of bird watching, so they are brought in as needed instead of full-time. Their businesses will be in partnership with me rather than in competition. They will benefit from the increased business and I will benefit from adding a useful service for my customer without being saddled with the extra overhead that’s detrimental to a new business.
Here are some illustrations:
I could be tempted to rental retail space large enough to hold classes and give lectures. However, I could rent a smaller retail space devoted completely to merchandise and rent space as I need it from the Old Firehouse Art Center (http://www.firehouseart.org/OFAC/home.html), located at 4th and Terry Streets. They have facilities to support both meetings and arts and crafts, so I could provide activities for both adults and children. Also located nearby is a retail store called Crackpots (http://ecrackpots.com/) with similar facilities for children’s activities.
Downtown Longmont is also home to seven art galleries and more than two dozen restaurants. During the summers, I could partner with Audubon and downtown businesses for a Progressive Birdwalk Urban Stroll. Strollers would be entertained with a discussion of the kinds of birds that can be found in an urban environment, beginning at my store, and stopping along the way at different galleries. At each gallery would be appetizers and drinks featuring food from the different restaurants. This format could be customized with different themes, or to work in conjunction with one of the several activities taking place in downtown throughout the summer, like the Alive After Five, taking place each Thursday, or the Festival on Main.
The profile of the store is one that helps individuals and families become better informed about their neighborhood and their environment, using the hobby of birding. There will be products, services and a community resource component to connect them to local information and experts in every area of birding.
Other retailers could use this model. Franchises also offer this service. But there is room in this market and this geographical area for my store.



---Laura

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

vacation continued

The parents left this morning. I'm alone. Does anyone want to have a vacation with me? Come on over. Call ahead.

Friday, June 11, 2010

a comment about bird rehab

I've been reading several articles about the pros and cons of doing bird and wildlife rehab. Those opposed to the measure say first that the birds are often so stressed out that they don't survive long past the rehab, and second that they almost never breed post-rehab.

Startling information, in and of itself. This serious disaster, this tremendous onslaught to a bird's life cycle, affects not just today but the rest of its life. I think it prompts one to ask if we humans are just so much more highly evolved than birds, or if there are more of us out there than we realize who are walking wounded. But that's an aside.

I'm pro rehabilitation, though there may be some selfish reasons for it. First, I think it's important to face the true measure of what we've done. I think it changes people, even if momentarily. People should be shocked and depressed by a shocking and depressing situation. It will not kill us.

Second, though the rehab efforts have shown to have unimpressive long term effects, I think it's good for education. Doctors make the distinction between the first heart transplant and the first SUCCESSFUL heart transplant. They weren't the same event. They also gained tremendous insight in caring for the wounded during VietNam, when their skills were called into play in new and unique situations. With rescue efforts going on in the Gulf, more will be learned. Are we truly such that all we are concerned about is the bottom line? It's an unscheduled disaster. Let's not do a profit analysis on it. We certainly can't make it go away. So let's learn from it what we can.

I feel better about that than I do about the prospect of tossing up my hands, saying all is futile, and walking away from helpless and dying animals. Yes, they will repopulate, and in time all will be rebalanced. But we would have learned nothing.

My opinion, for what it's worth.

-Laura

vacation

It's what's for breakfast.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

recent discovery

Discovery: Mollie is a joyful morning walker. I am NOT a joyful AM walker. But we did it. What's funny is we circled the neighborhood once, and as we approached my driveway to come home, Mollie mystically sped up! I went along with the game, and after we passed the driveway and rounded the turn to circle the neighborhood, she mystically slowed back down to normal walking speed.
Yes, Mollie is a joyful morning walker. But at least I'm an entertained follower. And for the effort, on the 2nd time around the circle, I was serenaded by an eastern towhee, male. Go to the site and read about them and have a listen to their call. Towhees don't like the exposure of feeders, and mine are kind of out in the open, so it's nice to have some shrubby forested areas in my walk where I can see them. I don't think he was all that happy to see me, but our approach did inspire him to fly to a higher branch and address us with a morning towhee song.

Not bad.

-Laura

Friday, June 4, 2010

Deep Water Horizon Report

Fish and Wildlife report: June 4, 2010.
You can go to this site for updated information on the numbers of animals reported, dead or alive, that are "visibly oiled."
It's not olive oil for roasting them either.

not everything you learn is for a good reason

Unless you've been under a rock, you know about the Gulf oil spill. To monitor the ecological impact, I've been surfing beyond some of the usual news shows. For example, there are some people out there with some really neat satellites taking really startling pictures of our waters. There are also people out there with memory of the Exxon Valdez spill, and what had to be done to assist the wildlife.

If you haven't seen the kind of assistance the seabirds need, I direct you to a short piece submitted by the Boston Globe, with pictures from East Grand Terre Island in Louisiana. Let that sink in for a minute.

There. Now, I was under the impression that rescue and rehab for these birds was labor intensive because if you washed them with harsh soaps, you'd take the oils out of their feathers, which would eliminate their natural waterproofing. This is not actually the case. Birds do have an oil gland. They do spread this oil around by preening. This is only a conditioner, however. The insulation and waterproofing for a bird is in their amazing wing construction.

This image, courtesy of the San Francisco Chronicle, shows a healthy and oil-soaked wing. The feathers of a healthy wing act like shingles on a house, overlapping. They have have a hook and barb construction, making a truly effective, flexible covering that insulates them from sun and cold and keeps them dry. The oil destroys that. And of course, the bird's first tendency is to remove the oil by cleaning itself. The oil it swallows can severely damage the internal organs.

Sad yet? What's the solution?

Well, reality time. It's a lot of work. The bird isn't just dirty. A quick shower doesn't fix it. Get this scenario, from the International Bird Rescue Research Center:

Initial procedures may involve cleaning the eyes, nasal and oral passages of oil and dirt, applying saline eye solution, giving oral fluids and activated charcoal solution, but not washing.
To wash a bird that is already highly stressed and not medically stable could mean death. Many oiled bird's die because well-meaning people, anxious to get oil off the bird, wash it immediately, resulting in death from stress. It is actually more important to give oiled birds the much needed nutrition, hydration and medical treatment they need before they are washed.
Once stable, oiled birds go through a series of tub washes alternating between baths with a one percent solution of Dawn dishwashing liquid and clean water. The wash time varies depending on the amount of oil, and the size of the bird, but on average it takes two people 45 minutes and 300 gallons of water to do a thorough washing.

A lot more complicated than you thought? Same here. Even after that, the birds have to be observed to make sure they are preening themselves again, and have recovered from the stress enough to be returned to the wild.

Before you ask, I am definitely sad that PEOPLE lost their lives in this tragedy. I don't forget them. It just doesn't make my concern and disgust over this any less. Personally, I want to go down to the local bird-cleaner recruitment office and head down to Louisiana or Pensacola, or later perhaps even Savannah or Charleston. And I would be one of those well-meaning people who make it worse. If you feel the same way, you might consider visiting this site, read the news from the experts rather than from the CEO of British Petroleum, and if you see their value, send them a little money. If you want to follow some of the work they're already doing, you can visit their flickr page. They're definitely going to be using lots of Dawn dishwashing liquid. And buckets of compassion as well.

-Laura

Monday, May 31, 2010

a different way to remember

My dad was in the US. Air Force for something like two decades. Stationed in Guam, with all that tropical heat and humidity, mom and dad germinated and bloomed me. It makes me sound like an eggplant. But before it was "all about me," there were other things.
I suppose it would be the traditional thing to do, to focus on dad's service -- what he did, where he went, what rank he achieved before retirement. But those things did not impact our family nearly as much as the more elemental reality that in his service, his life took a different path, and that path intersected with different lives, and the connections he made changed everything.
My father served his country and in doing so, the position served him. It was a bridge out of a difficult childhood. He lied about his age to get in. And this opened a window to completely different worlds, places he still remembers and speaks of. It was admission into a brotherhood, an exclusive club he shares with an ever dwindling population of little old men - who always manage to crop up. Mom often shares with me how he gets wrapped up in conversation with some complete stranger, with that shared experience.
If not for the military, my dad would probably have never come to Georgia, would have never met my mother. I imagine how different their lives would have been without each other.
Put that way, I'll be honest, I compare this with my own life. How many times have I gone with the flow, and spent my energy trying to be content with whatever fell in my lap? How about this? When special situations lead you to explore outside your confined arena, maybe that wasn't a blip on the radar screen. Maybe that wasn't the anamoly in your life - quickly experienced, quickly dismissed as not part of your life. Maybe that WAS. YOUR. LIFE. Maybe you should grab it, even if it seems a little out of your reach.
It was true for my dad.
So, happy memorial day. I hope some day that your memories include some special moments, when unique events and new paths changed your life for the best.

--Laura

Thursday, May 27, 2010

guam: one

Mom recently sent me home with some items from their/our days in Guam. Among these was a calendar, targeted at new visitors to the island. This was a large and growing population during those years, as the military population increased at the base in Agana.
At any rate, I thought the opening welcome for this calendar, written in 1971, was interesting. Read along:

Hafa Adai! Welcome to Guam!
To the visitor of a few days – relax, slow down, and take a leisurely look at the island which local legend says is the center and beginning of the world. If you don’t see it all on this trip you can look at the rest of it the next time you return – and we hope you will.


To the visitor who will be here perhaps months or years – relax, slow down, and get accustomed to this nature-decorated ex-volcano. You’ll have plenty of time later to grouch about what man has done to it since. Please don’t make the mistake of just taking a quick trip around the whole island the week you arrive and another the week you leave two years later. You’ll miss everything, including the people, if you don’t slow down long enough to say hello.
You will find this island community a fascinating place if first you toss out about ninety percent of your pre-conceptions of what a tropical island ought to be. They might be true of the other islands, but not Guam.


We all realize that most of you newcomers are here for a purpose, or, if you will, a mission: National or world affecting. We respect this and try not to hinder or interfere. We hope the respect works both ways.

A foreign-flavored island, Guam is. A foreign country it is not! Guam is officially known as an unincorporated Territory of the United States, meaning that while it is not one of the fifty states, and residents don't yet vote in national elections, it still belongs part and parcel to the USA (Right down to the tax system). Guamanians and
Chamorros, who have given much to their country in lives, land, and loyalty, highly resent any inference they are not wholly American.

You will find that the island has many flavors other than the original Chamorro. Spanish, Philippine, Japanese, Chinese and Malaysian are all reflected in one way or another in customs, cultures, foods, dress, names and spirit. Perhaps all these together are what account, rather than the bad roads and island-wide 45 mph speed limit, for Guam’s seeming reluctance to get too caught up in the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world.

An important point — your hometown Guam is not. To this observer of fifteen years it has become apparent that a good deal of the newcomer’s discontent with Guam is that he or she expects it to be ANYTOWN, USA. A realization that the island has in its not too distant history a heritage which is not USA in outlook, and which over a period of centuries has evolved customs which the island does not particularly want to lose, will make it easier for you.
More of a willingness to accept Guam for what it is, not what you were expecting or think it should be, will make your stay here more pleasant. God willing, it may make you want to stay a little longer.


Perhaps this calendar, a kind of diary of your time on Guam, will add to your understanding and your enjoyment of the island, I hope so.

The recipes you will read, and I hope use, are both Guamanian and Filipino. They show the rich Spanish heritage of both, but some are purely tropical in nature. Since most are common to both Guam and the Philippines I have written the recipe as I learned to cook it, making little distinction as to origin except in those included o show variation or as a matter of general information.

You will find both fiesta or holiday dishes here, as well as a good many every day dishes. For the most part, they are basic in preparation and ingredients, and can be added to to stretch or make fancier. To the old-timer these methods of preparation may seem comically detailed and probably over-Anglicized, but to the newcomer who has never seen Pancit or Red Rice they will be necessary.

I want to express my gratitude to all those who, at one time or another, have taken the time and patience to tell me interesting things about the people, customs and food of Guam and the Philippines, especially Agueda & Emilie Johnston, Remedios L.G. Perez, Janice Beaty, Paul Souder, Msgr. Jose A Lean Guerrero, Eduina and Manuel Jose, Joe Peralta, and my husband, Ben, who has read, advised, and tasted — and not laughed too much.

Si Juus Maase!
Montie M. Protasio
Copyright, 1971, by Montie M. Protasio

All rights reserved

Si Yu'us ma'ase,
Laura