downtime

I like the holidays. I like when they end.
My parents left today. We had a good visit. They got to see one of my favorite museums. We enjoyed good food, thanks to my favorite Five O'Clock Chef. We had quiet time we needed to share with one another.
Today, it's time to prepare for next week. Wash linens, remake beds, prepare lunches. This while my dogs move only to follow the sunlight as it streams through my glassed front door, picking a new place to sleep with its changing location. When they woke up though, I put the leash on them and walked them around the block. In the evening, I'll take them again. Because it's back to work. It's back to routine, at least for a while. Routine plus! Plus obligations, plus Christmas preparations. Plus gift buying.
One night, as my mom and I drifted off to sleep, I told her how intimidated I was by the thought of selling a house -- the first I'd ever done it. She told me I was a strong person, both mentally and physically. I think part of that is what good mothers tell their children when they are expressing doubt in their own abilities. She doesn't tend to judge my failings. She's the kind of mother who acknowledges that some things are tougher than others, while stepping back to let me seek my own victories.
Now that my debt is under control, I have one issue over which I am seeking victory. I won't discuss it now, partly because it's a private matter and partly because quite frankly I'm concerned about failure. In generic terms, I'll say it hinges on consistency. It's something which, if not taken more seriously, will impact my future to a greater and greater degree. It's also something which will impact my ability to enjoy my move and my dream to become a store owner.
So, in the category of "knowing what I can control and what I can't," I'm going to worry less about being upside down in my house. I'm going to worry less about selling or renting the house when the time is right -- there are professionals out there who make it their business to make those things happen. And I'm going to worry less that I'm moving for all the wrong reasons, the end result that I'll leave family and good friends behind, and not find satisfying connections in Colorado.
Instead, I'm going to concentrate on gaining some consistency in an area of my life that's immediately in front of me, because I know that I'm smart enough to deal with what's ahead. But I need to believe that the obstacle directly in front of me isn't standing in my way, but is truly the preparation I need to master, because it will train me and prepare me for the future.

-Laura

thankful things

I have a bulletin board on my kitchen wall, where most people put notes and phone numbers. I have a list of, well, affirmations if you will. This is what it says:

• I will pay off my debt
• I will finish bootcamp
• I will remodel my backyard
• I will move to Colorado
• I will become a store owner

Well, minus the first one. I just scratched that out. So, normally this is something only a select group of people see or pay attention to. But I didn't erase while I was doing my regular cleaning for company. I've had the week off and my parents came for a visit. Because of this, my aunts and uncle and many of their kids stopped in on Sunday. I'm thankful they visited. All 10 adults and 6 children. I'm VERY thankful they visited for one day.

Well, by the time I noticed, at least two of my cousins had read my affirmations and commented on them. Now normally, I'd regret having my personal business discussed by my family. This week, it just made it feel normal. Yes, it's normal that Laura would have plans.

This week, I've had the opportunity to walk around the block every day with my mom holding my hand for balance. We grab the dogs and go. Two years ago she had a quadruple bypass, and today we made a Thanksgiving meal together. I'm thankful for that.

My dad spent a few hours in the ER this holiday, getting his leg checked out. And as we came out, he got me a cup from McDonalds. I'm thankful for his thoughtfulness.

And for my final thought, I'm thankful that I have direction for the future. I have new resources I didn't have before that debt was paid off. I have investments I need to make in myself, things I've put off for a while. But with the help of friends and family, I'm going to succeed.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE

--Laura

Wednesday

No family gathering would be complete without a trip to the ER. It's interesting that my dad has been to the local hospital more than I have.

--Laura

more layoffs

I've never gotten a pink slip before. I think it must feel pretty bad to lose your job and know you have no hope of finding a new one until at least January. The logical side of your brain tells you that you've got severance and unemployment. The emotional side must still freak out.

It's a surreal thing, to be on a successful account in a failing economy. Worse yet to see people being fired when we have so much to do there's surely room for more staff. Restrictions are everywhere, right at a time when we should be celebrating an achievement.

I'm not complaining. Well, not exactly. I'm just wondering if it's stuff like this -- holding back those individuals who are succeeding because the rest of the company isn't -- if it isn't stuff like this which prevents the economy from bouncing back. If the economy hasn't shell shocked you, wouldn't now be a good time to wake up and stop acting shell shocked?

Just saying.

--Laura

This evening, on the way home from a party, I heard the following on the radio.

I think a person can show too much patience. But you can never show too much forgiveness.

What do you think of this idea? First, patience. What is patience, but endurance under some kind of adverse condition? Normally, isn't that a great attribute? I think so. Definitely. Now, should it have limits?

I think it should. I think the limit should come where the person or event requiring your patience has taken away your power to freely offer it. In other words, are you being patient because you know it is the best response to a given situation, or are you being patient because you fear the outcome of impatience? Don't kid yourself. If you're only being patient because you feel paralyzed at the thought of doing anything else, maybe you've reached the limits of your patience. Maybe you should find the power to express what you really feel, and the courage to accept the consequences of being yourself.

Now, forgiveness. I think forgiveness, and by this I mean true forgiveness and not just the nice gesture people give because they think it makes them good, is always a gift. It's always under your power to give to another person. Maybe you can think of a time when it's not given under your own power, but I've thought about it for a while and I can't come up with an example, because simply put, if it's not freely given, it's not forgiveness. It's something else.

So, I think when that person said that forgiveness should be limitless, what they were actually saying is that your power of self-expression is what should be limitless. You should always maintain a sense of responsibility over your own emotions, with the right to express that you are a human being, subject to human failings and frailties, with the power to move past them, and start over. Or if not start over from square one, to start again.

You should always maintain the power to start again. Yeah. I agree with that. I never want to give up my power to start again. If forgiveness grants that gift to special people in my life, I always want to have the ability to do that for others.

You're right. It's something to think about.

--Laura

It's here

My new bike arrived today. It's a diamondback wildwood, and we are good friends.

Who knew I needed a hex wrench? What girl is supposed to own a hex wrench, like, on purpose?

I think instead of buying one, I should take it to the bike shop and have them tighten the things I can't tighten without one, and check my work. It's stylish though. I can't wait to get it grimy.

Geez? Who owns a hex wrench?

--Laura

chapters open, chapters close

Words I'm getting tired of hearing:
Layoffs. Downsizing. Staff Reductions. It is what it is.
So when news came today that a position within our team would be eliminated, offering the associate few choices for continued employment, it's hard to react with much passion. Our account has survived 3 rounds of layoffs unscathed. Until today.
Let's keep our heads down as security ebbs away, shall we? Who will lead us in song?
I'll be more witty next time, I promise.

-Laura

milestone

Last Friday, for the first time in over a year, I received a paycheck without sending money to my credit card company.

I rock.

brendan behan

Brendan Francis Behan (in Irish, Breandán Ó Beacháin) was an Irish poet, short story writer, novelist, and playwright. Behan, who died in the mid-60's, wrote in both Irish and English. As a man of words, you would probably not expect him to also be a volunteer in the Irish Republican Army, but if you're familiar with Irish politics, you'll know that being an Irish republican and using their native tongue is intimately intertwined, owing to repressive actions by the British over Gaelic's use.
For most of his life, Behan was a drunk, a fact he rarely denied ("I only drink on two occasions -- when I'm thirsty and when I'm not."). Still, behind his willingness to play the comic buffoon for his audience was the ability to capture the essence of the human experience. One such insight was in describing the Irish word "uaigneas."
In Irish, this word is an adjective, meaning loneliness. And to give it the shade of meaning an Irishman would give it, the word comes from the Irish word for a grave (uaigh). Would you like to say the word out loud? Depending on the region of the country, it's either pronounced "oo-ig-nas," or "oo-ig-nach" (the "ch" like that in Scottish "loch.").
Anyway, Brendan Behan wrote his version of a Haiku on "uaigneas." Since he'd rather it be displayed in both English and Irish, I will do it here as well. Here it is:

Blas smeara dubh'

treis baisteach

ar bharr an tsleibhe

I dtost an phriosuin

Feadaoil fhuar na traenach

Cogar gaire beirt leannan

don aonaran.

=========================================

The taste of blackberries

After rain

on top of the hill.

In the silence of the prison

The cold (sharp) whistle of the train.

The laughing whispers of two lovers

To the lonely.

=========================================

What else could I say to that? Let the images sink in and I think you'll see what I mean. Anyway, I challenge you to find equally starking illustrations.
Behan died at age 41. It was reported that the route to his final resting place was lined with thousands of people, people who probably felt his words sink in too.

--Laura
(p.s. -- thanks to Micheal O Murchu for the etomology lesson)

Even hippy parents can be cool

I think I'm very lucky to have a good adult relationship with both my parents. They treat me like an adult, until I need them to treat me like their kid. They do a great job at discerning when to do both.


It's really nice to have parents like that.


About a year ago, my dad called my credit card company and negotiated a lower interest rate. Neither of us expected them to do it. But what we'd neglected to realize was that my credit rating had improved dramatically from my college days. They dropped it 5 percent. I would still be paying it down if they hadn't. I'd also still be paying it down if he hadn't been helping me pay it. I make a big deal of sending in double payments for a year, double payment amounting to 30% of my take home pay. But he also helped. And we didn't talk about it much, but it also meant a lot to me.


Here's the result:

A few nights ago, my mother called me, because she was viewing my amazon wishlist. When they upgraded to DSL from dialup, it really changed their world. Anyway, she was commenting on "all the Colorado guidebooks" I'd put in my wishlist and wanted to know if I'd gotten any of them. I told her, no, but that since I'd promised myself that I was going to move with a car and with money, when I got back there, I was finally going to be able to see all the things in Colorado that I hadn't been able to see the last time. I had a lot of exploring to do, hence the books.

Her reply: Well honey, some of these are pennies. I think I'm going to get some for you.

Moms are cool like that too. Even hippy ones.

I know you both read my blog, so thanks guys. I think there are lots of people my age who wish they had such supportive, concerned and discerning parents as I have.

---Laura

Vacation Day

I've missed Colorado a lot recently. So today, since I had the day off, I spent some time in the North Georgia mountains. I hauled the dogs with me from Blue Ridge to Blairsville. We tried to get to the top of Brasstown Bald, but I think it was too much for my tires.

The colors were a little past peak. And while the train depot to the Blue Ridge Scenic Railway was packed (I had missed the departure by about 30 minutes), the town wasn't really buzzing. Later in the month, weather permitting, I'll be able to ride the train with my parents. Today, dogs in tow, wasn't the day.

Mollie loved the ride up there. Petey, as always, was stoic about the whole thing. I put him in the back; he stays in the back. Mollie bounced from the front seat to the back seat to the cargo area like a rabbit. By the end of the ride, she was asleep in the back. Right now she is stretched out on my foot, apparently paralyzed.

Me? The trip didn't help me miss Colorado any less. I guess it helped focus me, to do whatever I could to get back there as soon as possible.

--Laura