Unburdening

I've been quiet lately. I mean, I made an entire post from a conversation I had with a customer about her divorce. Her ex- had fought over every aspect of it for two years, then ended up with someone much less put-together than this lovely, charming lady. I admire her a little. She has a life helping people. All over the country. All over the world. Have you ever organized a project that built 15 houses in 3 days? Me either.

Why have I been quiet? Well, the short answer is that I've been in repair mode. What's that, you may ask. Well. I'm about to turn 40 years old. Milestones like that are catalysts for self-reflection. And let's just say this: I'm hoping they are right about 50 being the new 40, because I feel like my 30's rushed by without me giving the decade the zest and verve it deserved.

In the past, I've posted lots of bravado about paying down my debt and getting ready for the changes to come in my life. The reality is that I fear all the time that I will not pull this off by myself. And my biggest fear is not that I'm being patient and disciplined, waiting for the right time to move and Change Everything in a Responsible Manner, but that NOW is the time to move, and because I have been out of step for a decade, I'm behind.

I always feel behind.

I'm done here, in this city. And this feeling of "doneness" isn't because I feel the need to yell "Take this job and shove it." I feel more respected at work than I've felt in a while. But it's not the same as satisfied. It's not the same as feeling fufilled. I don't feel like I'm working towards anything here. Here, I'm spinning my wheels.

OK, so I didn't answer that question about repair mode. Repair mode is me setting up the next bar. I said that I let my 30's slip past me, and I did. It wasn't just with money though. When you get stuck in a rut, it affects many areas of your life. I've even let my genetics catch up with me.

For the past month, I've been eating like I'm diabetic. Because, if I don't lose some weight now, I will be diabetic in 10 years. It's practically written in the stars - both my parents are diabetic. Heart disease runs in the family. And you know what's also in the back of my mind? It runs like a soundtrack. "Who do you think you are, wanting to change everything? You can't even change the thing closest to you? And what are you going to do when you get out there and need all this boundless energy to make things happen? Where is that going to come from?"

I'm 15lbs into my goal. I've found a plan I think not only works, but heals my system as it works. I feel better. I have to keep it up. So I will. And while I'm working on the list of 25 things I need to finish (and budget for) before I can leave, I will also be working on me. So repair mode is recognizing that not all the stones in my road are external issues. Some of the stones are the things I say to myself, to discourage myself. Others are the things I do to myself. The self-destructive things.

Stay tuned.

---Laura