Clearing Away Shadows

I got some encouraging information recently. First, some history.

Since graduating from CU and leaving Colorado, I've told anyone who'd listen that I'd move back if I had the chance. After a decade of this, I wised up to the notion that you create your own chances, and if I wanted to move back, I just should. In the meantime, of course, I'd created a life here in Georgia -- with the standard trappings of that life -- a house, a job, friends, involvement in my community, and an appreciation for all that my state has to offer.

And as my thoughts turned to tidying up those things to relocate, naturally the two largest obstacles were my job and my house. When considering the task of selling my house and finding new work, the recession could not have hit at a more unfortunate time.

For several months now, I've operated under the notion that I was upside down in my house, meaning that what I owed on the note would be more than its value. There have been numerous sleepless nights surrounding this thought.

This week I decided to face the music. I contacted a realtor and asked for comps, to find out where she valued my home. Because I held some hope that in the nearly 10 years I'd owned this home, it had appreciated in value enough to stand the deflated price of 2009.

I was glad I did. As it turns out, my house has appreciated in value. And while it might be worth less than it was in 2006 or 2007, it is still worth more than I owe, and by a significant amount.

A knot that I've had in my back for almost a year is starting to unclench. And all I had to do was ask.

--Laura

From Downtown

This is one of my favorite buildings in the historic downtown Douglasville Georgia. Douglasville is located about 20 minutes west of my town, but it's where my gym is located.

First, a little history. This was Douglasville’s 2nd bank, the Farmers and Merchants Bank, opened in May 1, 1907, two years after Douglasville’s 1st bank, the Douglasville Banking Co. The Farmers and Merchants Bank was part of a banking chain known as the Whilham system. It's on the corner of Broad and Campbellton Streets and had assets totaling $25,000. The banks’ significant architectural style is an example of the quality of buildings being constructed in Douglasville at that time. The round window above the door and the fan shaped windows were handmade German glass and crystal. Town history lists this plot of land as a vacant lot as late as 1905, but in 1911, describe the plot as "Farmers and Merchants Bank w/vault."

I don't know if the vault is still inside. It's a good bet, considering the size of bank vaults - in other buildings of this type, bank vaults are so large they are just too inconvenient to remove. But as you can see, it's for rent now. I hope someone with money does something with it.

When it gets warmer, I may take a ramble along downtown and get some more pictures. This area has been relatively lucky in that a bunch of nice restaurants have moved into some of these old buildings, and they have banded together to have entertainment in the city square regularly during the spring and summer months. It is, however, dominated by eateries. Retail is a bit harder to come by, and you have to wonder how they do.

Atlanta is a commuter city. The irony here is that while downtown has made a bit of a comeback in this case, most people still have to drive to it, and do that after a long commute from Atlanta proper, which can take upwards of an hour. Downtowns really aren't supposed to be like that, are they? The family is supposed to be able to stroll down there. At the very least, they should be able to see a lot and do a lot while they are there. If people are too tired after a long drive to have a nice evening strolling the outdoor mall, they just won't do it.

This may tell you why so many folks here are chubby. Well okay, the double breaded fried chicken may also have SOMETHING to do with it.

--Laura

Decisive Moments

I've been crabby this week. Puffy and crabby. You've probably heard the expression, "this was the wrong weekend to give up drinking." Well, I haven't been drinking, but I probably shouldn't have been surprised to encounter challenges the same week I felt least like coping with them.

We nearly lost a big account this week. In the middle of signing a new contract, a competitor pitched a bid to undercut us by an enormous amount. An unlikely amount. And when I say we were in the middle of signing, I'm not exaggerating. The back slapping and congratulations had already made the rounds. We were looking forward to being busier than we'd been in quite some time. Then, out of the blue, we were in the middle of a power squeeze by a company fighting for its own existence and willing to screw the pooch for it (pardon my French). And in this environment, it was an offer seriously considered despite the improbable savings. After a tense few days, we came out on top.

That was not the end of the week, however. Someone I know informed me that his wife has a serious illness. When he delivered the news, I offered my apologies and asked for details. All he could do was shake his head, too emotional to speak.

I thought about this all day. This is a great couple. A great family. Friendly and cheerful, the family you want as neighbors, co-workers or fellow parents when there's a fundraiser to do. But make no mistake, the wife is the rock of the house. She is treated well by her family because she creates a home for them, and is the force responsible for making life beautiful.

Two situations, side by side. In one case, the threat of losing an account emphasized how much we wanted it. In another case, the threat of losing a loved one exposed in stark terms just how valuable that person is. So fess up. How often do you complain about your job because you know it will be there tomorrow? And how often have you withheld your feelings with someone you loved, knowing that you'd get another chance when the time was better?

Now imagine that you were wrong. What would you do differently? Would you do your job differently? Would you want your loved one to wonder about your feelings?

I know I've been harping a lot about the economy lately, but maybe here's a silver lining. When times are good, it's easy to gloss over the good things in your life and let the bad things color your day. It's easy to complain when things really aren't all that bad. It's lazy, but it's easy.

But when times are hard as they are now, I think you learn what's valuable to you and what you can handle. So maybe this can serve as a reminder to grow up. Man up. Woman up. Don't neglect the people and things that mean something to you. Events can change on a dime. You can lose things, you can lose people, when you're not looking.

I guess that means I need to stop being crabby now. I promise to work on it.

---Laura

urban renewal

I was chatting with a friend recently and the topic of commercial real estate came up. If you know me at all, you know that I have NO concept of spatial relationships. It's a mental block, I guess, but if you need help arranging your furniture, I'm not the person to ask. If you need help estimating square feet, you need someone else. I'm equally bad with volume. Cups? Quarts? What's that?

So see, I've been to three different birding stores in this area in the last few months. And I can tell you that I think one looked crowded and another looked organized. The problem is that I have no idea how big they are, or how big they are supposed to be, and that makes it difficult to look at empty retail spaces and know if they are big enough (or too small) to hold the same kind of bird store.

Anyway, in the middle of this conversation, my friend made an off-handed suggestion which has really proven useful. My friend suggested I look for Community Improvement Districts (CIDs) in each of the towns I was interested in moving to. CIDs are designated in areas of cities in need of renewal. Often, tax incentives are provided for retail stores willing to relocate to those areas.

Well, as it turns out, they aren't called CIDs in Colorado, but such programs do exist through the Urban Renewal Authorities located in each city. This isn't just City Council stuff, though it involves the city council to a great extent. It's essentially a group of people looking at the 5-15 year plan for the future growth of a city - what will go where, what will appeal to what group and what will be needed to make it all happen.

I think I like planners. I can relate to people who look to the future, set a goal, and lay out the steps to achieve what they want. And now that I know where to look, I'm going to be reading up on their plans for my three new favorite cities. Where Atlanta is now known as the third emptiest city in the country (after Vegas and Detroit), I am not discouraged. I am looking to the future, setting a goal and laying out the steps to achieve it.

I guess that makes me a personal planner.

Pets and the Economy

I read an article in the paper today... Left Behind. It was about how the economy is forcing people to give up their pets. The article said that people were losing their homes, being forced to rent apartments where pets weren't allowed, or simply couldn't afford to take care of them or feed them.

Then, on the way home, NPR reported from Louisville, where even horses were being abandoned. One had been tied to a telephone pole. Truly - left behind.

This resonates with me. My dogs aren't going homeless anytime soon, but I have had to let their shots lapse last year, while I was working so hard on my debt. This year I resolved to end the neglect, but I stagger their visits. Petey went to the vet this month. Mollie will go next month. He was in good health, beyond some minor issues surrounding his age (he's around 10). I hope Mollie will be the same.

And I have to be honest. They probably would have gone a little longer without attention had Mollie not gotten a little rough with Petey earlier this month, giving him a nice shiner. But it was time. I am going to need to board both dogs at various times this year, so they have to have current shots. Dominoes. Everything kind of builds on itself, doesn't it?

The point is, people are having to make tough decisions these days. Some decisions have to be fairly easy. One can make a game out of clipping coupons or buckling down to pay off a credit card as I'm doing. You can always put off buying a new pair of shoes.

But how does someone let go of a friend and a companion? I remember the footage they took following Hurricane Katrina, when people were forced to leave pets behind in order to evacuate. People had found ways to tote their animals through all the flood waters and chaos of those days, only to leave the small, helpless animal running after them half-heartedly when they rode away on the bus. And I remember how they chronicled the story of one elderly man as he returned to his old home in hopes of finding his cat. He'd been going back time and time again to locate her. And when he found her at last, and had her in his arms, he stood in the center of his shamble of a house and burst into tears. His house was in ruins. Most of his wordly possessions had been destroyed. And none of it mattered. His cat was safe, and clearly delighted to see him.

The rest was replaceable. His friend and companion just wasn't replaceable. Maybe you'd call that man's persistence silly and irrational. But I disagree. I think he'd lived long enough, and probably lost enough, to know what was truly important and what truly was not. He knew what he could afford to lose and what he truly could not. I don't think he was silly or irrational. I think he was tough. And I have a feeling that newly unabandoned cat felt pretty special.

I know times mandate tough choices. Just this evening, the news reported how there were so many people trying to certify their unemployment benefits that it shut down the phone lines in metro Atlanta. But sometimes, the fall out from this economy hits us in ways we can't predict. Remember what's important.

--Laura

Old Habits Can Haunt

For three weeks, I've been experimenting with how I eat and when I eat. See, for a year I've been unable to budge my scale, something I really need to do. And as I observed my habits, I realized that I was doing a few things poorly. I skipped breakfast. Coffee was my breakfast. I ate no snacks. I had a small dinner. And then when I got home in the evening, I attacked the fridge like I was facing my last meal.

You may ask why it took me a year to figure out this wasn't the best way to go. Don't ask, it's pointless.

Anyway, I switched to an 1800 calorie diet. Low in fat, high in fiber, and separated into 3 meals a day with 2 snacks. The results were immediate. I began losing weight within days, and so far I haven't stopped. 3 lbs the first week. 3lb more the second week. I hope to continue the trend this week.

Meanwhile, one of my good friends joined a quick weight loss center. They track you closely, give you food in a box and have you sign in with them several times a week.

Her results have been spectacular. She's lost 12 lbs where I've lost 6lbs. I considered joining the same program. But we've both developed another great practice. We work out 90 minutes on both Saturday and Sunday. It's great working out during the day instead of after work in the dark. And doing 90 minutes is like three of our normal workouts. So we are ahead for the rest of the week. It allows us more flexibility during the week, should something else come up.

So I met her this evening at the gym. She had left work a little early to go to the quick weight loss center and get weighed. The moment I saw her on the couch waiting for me, I knew the results hadn't been what she wanted.

"Not only did I not lose weight, I gained two pounds and my blood pressure was higher." We talked for a while about the disaster she'd committed of buying the 45 calorie bread instead of the 40 calorie bread. Then we talked about exercising too much or too little.

Okay, she did. I just stared at her and asked, "Are you serious?" several times. She wanted to go home and skip dinner. I made her promise not to.

Still, I know if the same had happened to me, I probably would have been tempted to do the same things. A pound loss or a pound gain in a day is hardly a problem, particularly after a 12 lb loss. But even though we hear good wisdom, even though we know what's right and what's not, we want to get exactly what we want, when we want it. We're willing to ignore all the good wisdom at the drop of a hat because of it.

And that's the way old habits return. And that's how we fail.

Mollie-riffic

In previous posts, I've mentioned my "special" dog, Mollie. She's a terrier mix - most people in the south would call her a bird dog, but I don't know how that description carries. However, she's a dog I'd describe as pretty high strung.

I assume the Dog Whisperer would have a field day with her and with how I have trained her, but over the years of our association, we've developed a strange way of coping with one another. For instance, she's highly anxious most of the time, and I describe her as a "Velcro" dog. In other words, wherever I am, she must also be. I've lost more fringed sofa pillows in the 20 minutes it takes me to close the bathroom door to her and wash Petey, her brother. She absolutely can't stand to know I am spending time with him and not with her. In addition to chewing up pillows, she has destroyed full trashcans, the stuffing inside pet beds, and squeeky toys, all out of anxiety.

In short, she's a minor disaster.

But this brings me to something else, actually. A confession. This year, I haven't kept up with the shots and pills and various items for my dogs. Whenever I walk into a vet's office, I can plan to spend $300, and this year I just haven't had it. True, I've had it and been paying down my debt, but I haven't had both. So this year, my dogs weren't up to date.

Well, during my last visit to my parent's house, my mother remarked at how skinny my dog looked. I too had noticed this, and had noticed how bony Petey felt in his haunches.

That's all it took for worry to set in. I think every day since then, I worried that Petey had heartworms and tape worms and Mollie had rabies. I'm serious. No, really, I'm serious. Those out of date tags jangling at the end of their collars were like an accusation to me. You are a redneck idiot who cannot even take care of your dogs. I have to tell you, I was saying *terrible* things to myself.

All that changed this week. Petey was resting on my tummy and Mollie didn't like it, so she jumped up to bully him off me and take over this coveted spot. Well, somehow in this transition, she cold cocked him in the eye which set him off and they had a snarling hissy fit right on top of my belly. When it was over, Petey had a bloody eye and Mollie was in the other room.

I was devastated. Now, not only does Petey have tape worms and heartworms and fleas, he's going to have to get his eyeball removed.

It was gross looking, it really was. And he milked it too. The next day I put food in his bowl and brought it to him at the foot of MY bed. Really.

The next day at lunch, I called the vet. I had a thousand in savings now, afterall, and my poor boy needed both his eyes. I got an appointment for 11am on Saturday.

So as it turns out, Petey doesn't have heartworm. Or tape worms. Or parvo. Or cancer. Or diabetes. He does have a second eyelid however, which all dogs have to protect the eye if it suffers trauma. Oh, and he's old. Old dogs start to get bony in the butt, right where Petey is.

The relief I felt was hard to describe. I mean, I'm glad he can still see, don't get me wrong. But he's also HEALTHY. His main problem in this world is that he's nearly 10. And I can't tell you how stressed out I was that I was neglecting him. And he was suffering as a result of it. And I'd let his care lapse so long that I'd actually caused him to become diseased. Not to mention but that I made it impossible for me to proudly take either of them anywhere. Without tags, I was even afraid to leave them for long periods out in the yard, for fear of animal control, or a wayward child who would approach them, get bitten, and then contract rabies.

And here I make fun of Mollie for being anxiety ridden. If there's anyone in the house who is Mollie-riffic, it's me. I felt so good when I drove home that I stopped to get a haircut too.

Next paycheck, I'll take Mollie in too. Might as well get a clean bill of health for the whole family.

Is there a lesson in this for me? Maybe the energy I spend worrying about things is worse than if I just jumped in with both feet and took care of them? Maybe I don't need to go Mollie-riffic over the giant to-do list I've written for myself this year. I just need to tackle each thing one bite at a time and stop creating this dark, sucking black hole of terror in my mind, which serves only to make me even less likely to tackle them. I might suffer setbacks, true. There might be times when I encounter a situation that's more complicated than the "whole lotta nothing" I dealt with in this case. But at least I will know exactly what I'm facing. What I imagine is usually a whole lot worse.

All that wisdom AND a haircut. Not a bad day.

Doing Each Day

Earlier today, my friend sent me an email... Laura, we need to go to Home Depot this week. They are closing stores and you should be able to get a good deal on the tile for your kitchen. Don't you think, if you're moving in October, that you should get started????

Just like that. With all those extra question marks. This caused my first panic attack of the morning at work. I figure this is like morning sickness for the anal retentive.

I replied... It's a good suggestion, but I'm putting substantial money each month... no, each paycheck, on my credit card. Then I'm putting the extra in savings. Then I'm setting aside MORE in my new credit union in Colorado, because I need to have a moving budget. By October. I don't have a lot extra for the tile or the materials.

My friend replied... You are on a big journey and you are figuring out more each day and it will all come to you and if you need a place to store materials if you want to buy them over time, you know you can use my garage.

I replied... We should look at tile.

That's not unusual for me these days. In fact, it's pretty darn normal. Each day a new things occurs to me. Can I sell my house? I don't know. I haven't made big repairs on the house in years, so what if it has something wrong with it when I try to sell? Will it need a new roof? A new furnace? Can I rent it? I feel pretty confident that it can rent. What can I rent in Colorado? Well, I've found affordable (but small) places in each city I'm interested in. Can I find work? Another unknown, definitely, but I'm encouraged that by October I will be in another position within my company, which will open LOTS of opportunities for me.

But what about the trees on my property? They don't look good, why is that? What about the holes I need to fill? Should I plant a garden this year or put in roses to make the place pretty for renters? Should I replace the windows? They need upgrading. How is the roof? What about ceiling fans?

I've been reading the Longmont Times-Call, the Coloradoan (Ft. Collins) and the Loveland Reporter Herald, all for the business section. I really like the business section writer for the Longmont paper, but is he accurate? Is the city really doomed in trying to revitalize downtown? Ft. Collins seems to place a higher value on going green, but Longmont is also working on it. Loveland seems too expensive a place to live, but maybe that makes it a perfect place for a business.

I have no idea.

I've got to have someone look at the trees. I've got to have someone look at the tile. I've got to get the dogs their shots. I've got to get rid of clothes. I've got to haul away the couch. I've got to haul away LOTS of stuff if I'm going to live in something that's less than 800 square feet.

See, having a measure of faith in myself means believing that I will find out what I don't know. It means that even if I don't have the resources right now, I will have them in the future. It means that what I'm learning will serve me when the time comes. This experience has shown me just who has faith in me and who doesn't. It's been eye opening. I wonder how long I've been my own worst enemy. I wonder if I've even sabotaged my own biggest desires, tossing them away instead of putting effort into them, thinking I was protecting them.

Getting that back, I think, means doing each day. Doing each day like I knew I was going to get through it knowing more than I knew the day before.