are you proud of yourself?

So are you proud of yourself?

I am taking a momentary detour from my Business Plan for a reflection. Many times, when you hear that sentence, it puts you on the defensive. It means you've been a jerk. It calls you to attention. I imagine that right before the phrase was uttered, you were probably heading full tilt into the arms of egoism.

Mind yourself!

That completely adult voice first censors you as a kid. And your conscience sucks it up through a straw until it becomes your adult voice. There is nothing to be gained from acting out, so behave.

This could easily become a conversation about standing up for yourself. But I mean more than that, I think. Today, I had the opportunity to talk to a peer. We were discussing a mutal friend, when the conversation became more personal. In fact, I tipped my hand more than I usually do. I guess in part it is because I can see the end of the road. I can see my next steps, and while I may not know exactly how things will unfold, but I believe I will be capable of dealing with them.

About three years ago, I was sitting in the middle of a mess. Such a mess, in fact, that I had too many directions to go at one time. Nothing was catastrophic, mind you, but all were chinks in a tarnished, dull, low-budget armor. I used it to weakly defend my paralysis.

I had to turn over a stone. I had to start. Somewhere. I began with finances. That felt like the largest stone in my way. What I realized over time was that finances were the most visible. With it (nearly) removed, it uncovered other stones. The stones represent all those times I broke promises to myself. The stones are those times I asked others to motivate me to do better. The stones are all those times when I didn't expect better from myself.

The stones were the times when I didn't think anything better could be waiting in store for me.

Where do you find yourself? Are you in the wrong place, happy to have found something low-key and safe, believing it's the best you will do? Meanwhile, people around you stare at you in puzzlement, wondering why you've accepted something so mediocre, when you deserve the dreams you had when you were much younger?

There are days when I am too. They are becoming fewer and farther between, however.

So, are you proud of yourself? That has a different meaning to me these days. It asks me if I'm confident enough in my abilities, confident enough in my decisions, that I can take responsibility for myself. Yes. I'm happy with the path I'm clearing. I'm happy to explore the road it reveals. It's taking me where I need to go. And as I find my way, I believe I will also find the people I am meant to touch and be touched by. I believe I will have clear sight into the situations I'm supposed to influence, and the situations that are supposed to influence me.

It's tempting to settle for the apple that falls out of the tree when you walk underneath the branches. It's there. It's free. You're hungry. But there is fruit higher in the tree that takes a little effort to reach. In reaching for it, you get stronger and more experienced and wiser in addition to gaining the nourishment that apple provides. And you know, not only am I reaching for fruit higher in the tree, I'm actually becoming that fruit too - sweeter, tastier, and worth the wait.

Besides that, the view is going to be breathtaking. I just know it.

--Laura