morning random thought

Interesting debate question: What's more important to an economy: A businessman, or a consumer?
I don't have an opinion, just ideas. Do you?

recurrence

When I was a teen, I had recurring dreams... recurrently... if that's a word. So much, in fact, that I can still remember the dream I had whenever I faced large projects I wasn't sure I'd properly prepared for. And if you don't realize this, a control freak is never convinced that they've properly prepared for anything.
Why did they stop in adulthood? I guess you'd have to consult my subconscious. Maybe I felt like I had everything under control, so there was no need for a dream to work out the puzzles created during wakefulness. Maybe I had gotten into such a rut that I HAD no puzzles.
A few nights ago, I dreamt that I walked into my backyard. The raised bed containers were intact, but my garden was gone. All the plants had been plucked out by the roots and discarded who knows where. As I surveyed the rest of the yard, which seemed fine, I could see just beyond the fenceline where my neighbor's property began. My neighbor's backyard looked like he'd won a contest to have it landscaped. All grass was gone. All structures were gone. Red clay remained. I stepped inside the neighbor's house, which in my dream had become white and mult-storied. There were stairwells everywhere, and young kids of all ages hanging from walls, lounging against doorjams and essentially making racket. Think Never Never Land. They all seemed to know me. They felt familiar, but I couldn't identify specific kids.
I woke up around that point and realized something. I'd had this dream before. Small details had changed. The last time I had the dream, the landscaping destruction had left my home intact, but had taken over the whole neighborhood, like a backwards development project where the workers built the homes before grading the lots or paving the road. And when I'd gone in the house last time, all the stairs were the same, but the children ran from me, hiding in an odd tree growing at the center of the home. I spent the rest of the dream searching for them.
What conclusion would I draw from this? That the uprooting of my life is approaching, and it's getting closer? None of the destruction happened in my yard, but it was more focused this time, and just one house away. Change approaches.
Last time, I never really saw the children. This time, they were all within reach. This time, they were larger. Are the children the symbol of potential? New challenges and dreams? Dreams develop.
I suppose some who have powerful associations with home, those who'd be devastated by the loss of place and things would find this dream troubling. All the destruction. Surely it's the sign that your subconscious is upset. Maybe you should reconsider.
Thing is, I remember no anxiety in my dream. Just lots of steps. Lots of bare land, waiting to be filled with plants and trees. Possibility. That is what my mind is acknowledging. I am clearing the landscape for possibility.
To celebrate reaching my savings goal, I made the first purely luxury purchase I've made in a long time. I got a 16GB Zune HD. Yes, I was taunted by my geek friends. Anyway, I wore it this morning as I walked Mollie. I listened to NPR as they interviewed astronauts at the sunset of the 30-year space shuttle program. While reporter Scott Simon thrilled during a trip on the astronaut's simulator, he asked Cmdr. Mark Kelly if he was going to miss the program and the Endeavor. His answer was so... so right:
It will be sad to "full stop" on the runway for the last time and watch the Endeavor get carted off to a museum. But it's important to do that, so we can move on and do other things. And we can't do both.
You can't hold onto a house and move forward. You can't make a fresh start with a sack full of belongings. Moving on to Better doesn't always mean letting go of the Bad. Sometimes, it includes letting go of Okay and Good and Doing Fine as well. What does your heart ask for? If you tell it to hush when it asks for Better, perhaps you should stop. It will find ways to keep asking until you listen. Maybe through recurring dreams. Just keep in mind that things and houses and jobs will disappear and transform. What remains are human connections and the love you feel for people who had an impact on your life. When you locate those people, you should never let them go. The rest is just matter and particles. It can be reconstructed.

--Laura

This is how Mollie explains that we've only walked around the neighborhood once, which is not nearly enough. As we approach my mailbox, notice how she switches to the other side of the road. She wants to make the right turn just ahead and go around our circle one more time. She mysteriously slows down once we pass the mailbox.

Early harvest

Early harvest, originally uploaded by lalapapawawa.

Some other bloggers I know have been boasting with pictures of very ripe tomatoes. I have the issue of lurking chipmunks, so I really couldn't afford to let the FIRST tomatoes be taken in our cold warfare. These ripened just fine on the counter. I will let the rest ripen on the vine. They won't be the FIRST.
Also in the picture, cucumbers - my first ever to grow straight - plus basil and lemon thyme.
Welcome home.

"There" is here

Today, I am proud to report that I've reached my savings goal. I retired a school loan, a credit card debt, and built savings nearly equal to the debt I had when I started. So, for all the times I can remember thinking, "it's hard doing this. I have to stay focused," and for all the folks who pitched in or cheered me on, saying, "Keep at it, you'll get there."

I'm there.

What's next? Yes, I already have a list. I will point to that tomorrow. Today I'm just going to enjoy the moment.

I'm there.

red-tailed hawk

Why do you run away whenever I look your way?
Do you know that I adore you?
Do you know how much I want to see you?
And again, I turn away as you dodge and fly away.

-- Laura

are you proud of yourself?

So are you proud of yourself?

I am taking a momentary detour from my Business Plan for a reflection. Many times, when you hear that sentence, it puts you on the defensive. It means you've been a jerk. It calls you to attention. I imagine that right before the phrase was uttered, you were probably heading full tilt into the arms of egoism.

Mind yourself!

That completely adult voice first censors you as a kid. And your conscience sucks it up through a straw until it becomes your adult voice. There is nothing to be gained from acting out, so behave.

This could easily become a conversation about standing up for yourself. But I mean more than that, I think. Today, I had the opportunity to talk to a peer. We were discussing a mutal friend, when the conversation became more personal. In fact, I tipped my hand more than I usually do. I guess in part it is because I can see the end of the road. I can see my next steps, and while I may not know exactly how things will unfold, but I believe I will be capable of dealing with them.

About three years ago, I was sitting in the middle of a mess. Such a mess, in fact, that I had too many directions to go at one time. Nothing was catastrophic, mind you, but all were chinks in a tarnished, dull, low-budget armor. I used it to weakly defend my paralysis.

I had to turn over a stone. I had to start. Somewhere. I began with finances. That felt like the largest stone in my way. What I realized over time was that finances were the most visible. With it (nearly) removed, it uncovered other stones. The stones represent all those times I broke promises to myself. The stones are those times I asked others to motivate me to do better. The stones are all those times when I didn't expect better from myself.

The stones were the times when I didn't think anything better could be waiting in store for me.

Where do you find yourself? Are you in the wrong place, happy to have found something low-key and safe, believing it's the best you will do? Meanwhile, people around you stare at you in puzzlement, wondering why you've accepted something so mediocre, when you deserve the dreams you had when you were much younger?

There are days when I am too. They are becoming fewer and farther between, however.

So, are you proud of yourself? That has a different meaning to me these days. It asks me if I'm confident enough in my abilities, confident enough in my decisions, that I can take responsibility for myself. Yes. I'm happy with the path I'm clearing. I'm happy to explore the road it reveals. It's taking me where I need to go. And as I find my way, I believe I will also find the people I am meant to touch and be touched by. I believe I will have clear sight into the situations I'm supposed to influence, and the situations that are supposed to influence me.

It's tempting to settle for the apple that falls out of the tree when you walk underneath the branches. It's there. It's free. You're hungry. But there is fruit higher in the tree that takes a little effort to reach. In reaching for it, you get stronger and more experienced and wiser in addition to gaining the nourishment that apple provides. And you know, not only am I reaching for fruit higher in the tree, I'm actually becoming that fruit too - sweeter, tastier, and worth the wait.

Besides that, the view is going to be breathtaking. I just know it.

--Laura