don't wear your birthday suit to this party

I engage in certain practices during the summer. One in particular is to sleep nekkid. I don't say this to be provocative, it's just the truth. My room is the coolest place in the house with my new ceiling fan, and at night, I strip down to my underwear and I sleep under a single sheet. At night, a warm dog inevitably snuggles painfully close to me, and I just find it more convenient to sleep without clothing from the beginning rather that kick them off later in a twisted heap at the edge of the bed.

Thursday night, Mollie attacks me around 4am. In short order, I realize she HAS to go outside. Now. Right now. If not sooner. The very thought makes me feel tired deep inside.

So I do what I admit to have done in the past, at least a few times. It's a little move I learned from ninjas, where I sneak the dog outside to the garden gate, then sneak back in as quickly as possible, without the aid of clothing.

This is because I am a closet streaker. I've been a closet streaker since I was five. But that's another story.

When I approached the kitchen door, leading outside, I realized two things. First, Petey also wanted to go outside. Second, it was raining. Unfortunately, this didn't change my strategy. Unfortunately, it completely changed my execution.

The dogs, leashed, ran toward the backyard gate. When they reached the edge of the carport and felt the first drops of rain, all hell broke loose. The quick sprint to the gate ended as they made a 180 and headed, not to the door, but to the front yard, thinking it might not be raining there.

Anyone who happened to be awake got an eyeful.

Mollie then turned around and headed for the side yard. Another eyeful. So, thinking that Mollie might do her business if she wasn't shackled to Petey on their divided leash, I picked up Petey, holding him in front of my "sisters" while she freely ran back into the side yard.

And around the bird pole. Around and around. Again and again.

Trying to pull her back almost uprooted the feeder, as you can see in my picture. I had to scoot back out into the rain and unleash Mollie while still holding Petey. Then I retreated, hunched over with Mollie in one hand and Petey in the other. Wet to the skin, because there was nothing between the elements and my skin, I closed the door, then lifted Mollie's front paws up in both hands, and barked, WELL ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!

She gives me a mild-mannered look, doe eyed and innocent. As if I were the crazy one. I slept the rest of the night with the door closed, and her on the other side of it. Now, as I'm tending vegetables or mowing, or feeding the birds, I have one eye open for sly looks from my neighbors. I haven't checked it yet, but my co-workers are betting I'm already on YouTube.

My tip to you: avoid wearing your birthday suit in the rain. That is all.

--Laura