The Meltdown begins

My fitness instructor finally made me cry today.

You may be asking yourself, Did I know Laura had a fitness instructor? Well, I do. His name is Ken. He reminds me of Louis Gossett Jr., in An Officer and a Gentlemen. For example, this picture is hauntingly familiar.

In September, I joined his six-week fitness bootcamp. Five women were supposed to join. Two women showed and one was me. For those of you who've never done this, and in fact never considered it, I can give you this insight: It hurts.

Before our arrival, we were told to do three things. Hydrate. Bring weights. Eat a breakfast with protein and carbs. Unfortunately, because I was worried about throwing up, I ate 2 hardboiled eggs and no carbs. This will become important later in the story.

The first week began with The Assessment. Okay Ladies, in two minutes please, do as many pushups as you can do. Now, in two minutes do as many situps as you can do. Next, jump rope! Now, jumping jacks!

I know, if you're doing the math, you realize this was 8 minutes long. Pitiful. Okay Ladies, that was an assessment of your current fitness level. We're now ready for the workout. Mind you, I knew that was coming. I just didn't want it to come so soon after dying. And so we ran around the track twice. And jumping jacks. And jump rope. And weights. At this point, I should explain that I was praying for death, and happy for a break from lifting my feet high enough to walk. That feeling died once we started. Remember how I had only eaten 2 hardboiled eggs, with no carbs? Right. I softly dropped the weights and sat down on my knees. Ken was immediately at my side.

Fight through the pain, Laura. Don't cheat yourself.

I'm not in pain, I answered. I'm fainting. And I explained, in detail, what was going on behind my eyes, and that I hadn't actually eaten the multi-grain waffle with a smear of peanut butter as I had claimed earlier. He looked down at me for a second, then said, Well, okay. You're done.

Of course, that was a lie. Because after the weights were over, he wanted us to run sprints. Remember, there were only two there, so us meant me.

Today was our 4th week. It was cold when I arrived. Real cold. My friend was ahead of me and had walked the track already but complained she couldn't get warm. So I joined her, and decided I was going to run it. For the first time, I made it all the way around without stopping. Ken saw us. He was walking up when we finished.

That's great, ladies. We need to do it three more times. Mind you, my brain interpreted that as One Down, Two to Go.

So when I finished the third loop, I was tired but pleased. Ken was not. One more time, Laura. I explained my interpretation of his instruction. I wasn't here, so it didn't count.

I did that last loop, but that had started us out on the wrong foot. Because today was a lot like last week, only we did more of it, and we did it longer. And he didn't just tell us we were going to do more, he lied us into more.

Okay Ladies, we're doing planks. Holding for 15 seconds. 15. 14. 13. 13. 13. 13.

You're stuck! I yell.

Okay Ladies, we're doing one more rep of weights. We do this. Okay Ladies, one more. Huh?

So I cried. (In case you're wondering, this does not get you out of sprints).

I'm a libra. Please don't lie, even when I'm having an emotional meltdown. Thanks.

--Laura