NOW on to new topics.

The feeling of spring has come early this year. Last year, I remember being able to feel winter in the air through March. Right now, we are in a fake spring - at least that's what we're telling ourselves.

So today, I drove to Palmetto, Georgia, to a nursery known as Wilkerson Mill Garden. This nursery carries many shrubs and trees, but its specialty is hydrangeas.

For me personally, hydrangeas are the south. It's odd to me to think of them existing on the new england coast. Or Oregon, for that matter. And yet they do. To me, they are inextricably bound to hot summer days, to shady corners of back yards where the lawn has been mowed. They go well with iced tea. They go well with bumble bees.

And today I met a nice couple with a passion for plants, and some really healthy plants. They had great advice. They had lots of information. And before I left, I had four of their babies in my car. How do you leave plants behind when they had names like Penny Mac, much less Frillibert?

Spring is in the air. Bring it on.

--Laura

Morning Clarity

I can admit it now. I don't feel like I can do it all by myself. So I asked for help, of the wrong person. He wasn't obligated to help me, it's true. I had only walked with him through one of the roughest patches in his life. I didn't do that for a tangible reward. I wanted, not things, but him. I thought we were building a history of support. My support for him. His support for me. But it was a turn taking exercise he failed. I took my turn, then waited expectantly for him to take his. Only he never did. We weathered the worst of his storms and it was as if he blamed me for being soaked in rainwater and windblown. I was blamed for knowing his secrets. He wanted a shiny new girlfriend, one who didn't know him at his worst. Stupidly, I just loved him more because, knowing his worst, I knew what he was strong enough to survive.
Enough of that. Aren't you tired of hearing the thoughts that rattle around in my head? The good news. At some point this week, I felt a burden lift in my heart. It was like a scab fell away, revealing healed flesh. I think anyone who's ever lost something important to them (and that would be most everyone) can relate to the time when they realized they must live without it. It takes a little time afterwards to realize they CAN live without it. I think that's what happened driving home this week.
Before it ended, he had become someone I could discuss anything with. And I thought it was the same for him, though it was clear in time that his "Code of the Old West" was a crock of shit when it came to women. But his counsel was solid. His insights were calming and helpful. My mind tells me I could have that back, if I could get over the other bits and accept the platonic in "platonic friendship."
But you know something? I can't. That's some morning clarity. I made a declaration in my mind years ago. I saw this person, and I declared that he'd never be alone, that I'd love him unconditionally. And as much pain as this decision has caused me, I will always love him unconditionally. Well, except for this one part. I can't pretend to be his buddy. I really tried to do it. People who let the world happen to them may not understand why I can't. They are much more generous than I am, perhaps. But here's something to realize. If I had lived closer to him at the time he was in his crisis, we would be together now. And it would have taken years for me to realize that, while I chose him specifically, he chose me only BECAUSE I had been close. It would have taken me years to realize that he would have chosen almost anyone who fit that description.
And there I'd be, trapped. Probably living with a man who'd settled for me because I dropped in his lap like an overripe fig. And each time I couldn't convince myself that "settling" was okay, I'd hate myself, or him. Hey, he didn't purposely choose me, but that's how he is with everything, why worry about it?
Yeah. I'd hate it. And I'd hate myself for accepting it. I'd wonder why I was too weak to leave. And we'd struggle. And I'd badmouth him when we were out together, because it's better to act like you don't care.
Yes. I CAN live without that.
That's my morning clarity. But I'm wasting it on revelations, it's time to spend it on spring planting. Have a great weekend, everyone. I'm going outside.

--Laura

what I'm listening to

So, the 80's called and wanted their mopeds back, but this is what I'm listening to lately.

The Joy of Stats

So, because I'm tired of letting Hallmark determine my value as a human being, I turn to statistics to help me get a grip. A friend shared this video with me recently, and I thought it was cool.


(courtesy of BBC TV)

Here's an admission. With all God gave me, I dread Valentine's Day.
There are many reasons for this. A new reason this year is because my best single friend is dating. If history serves to inform the present, I'll get a picture on my phone - a picture of whatever gift she gets.
I am already practicing my reaction so it seems spontaneous. I've settled on texting the word "Awesome!"
This sounds like sour grapes. The heart of the matter is more complex.
I don't want expensive gifts. Please don't tell people how much you spent on the purse you bought me that costs more than a washing machine. (Let me qualify that statement: if you're shopping for me a wedding ring, ignore what I just said. Thanks). What I covet is not the loot, but the companionship.
One of my past relationships told me that I was stronger than him. The reason? I was better at being Alone. I'm not sure how I responded at the time. I always measured my words with him lest he realize too soon how much I was in love with him. To this day though, I am stunned by his utter lack of insight.
Being Alone longer does not make you better at it.
Regardless of what people may say, few people choose to be alone. True, I have chosen to pass on bad relationships and that is its own kind of choosing. There are tradeoffs. Recently someone asked if I were lonely, and while the answer to that is sometimes yes, I realize that what I'm pining for is a bit pie in the sky: where both parties are happy and respectful of each other and capable of whatever it takes to stay that way. Who has that? Few people have that. I have been surrounded lately by people who actively don't have it, and they have much more in misery than I have in solitude.
The rub is this. I would still be better with someone than alone. Who says that to someone they love anyway? There are still days when I replay that conversation in my mind and I want to scream.
Days like today, I guess. And days like Valentine's Day.
I know. I'm venting. I will be much better Tuesday. Thanks for listening.

--Laura

So...

I knew my dad was getting an arteriogram today. I didn't know he'd be getting 2 stents to open 2 blockages over 90%.

hey buddy - Vote

You may have heard about a contest sponsored by Dockers.com - called Dockers: Wear the Pants.
Essentially, you tell them what you'd rather be doing than what you're doing now, and they give one lucky person $100K to go do it - to go "wear the pants."
Very tempting. Particularly when I have a plan already drawn up, and some of the entries I read involve - give me money so I will never have to work again.
Like $100K is gonna accomplish that...
Anyway, I'm sure there will be thousands of entries. No one will read each one and evaluate the best - this is a contest of numbers. This is about marketing myself and gathering friends who will vote for you each. and. every. day.
So. Friends? How about it?
Here's the link directly to my entry:
http://apps.facebook.com/dockerswearthepants/entries/971
Go. Go now.
Laura