Be Decent

I got a compliment at work today. One of my favorite people in the company was on the phone with my manager when he said, “Do me a favor and say hello to Laura for me. She’s one of my favorite people in the company.”

Stuff like that is great to hear, isn’t it? I was particularly touched because it came from someone who is, in my opinion, one of the most decent people I know.

I know plenty of smart people. I also know some good managers. But this guy is simply decent, and that quality makes him stand out above everyone else.

You may wonder what I mean by decent. Well, in his professional capacity, he’s a project manager. I worked with him on one of the more rewarding and challenging projects of my career, so I got to watch him in action.

There are smarter men in the company, I’m sure. People with more technical knowledge. He's smart, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't know everything and knows he doesn't need to know. What makes him a brilliant project manager is how he treats people. I've watched him throughout the course of a day, and from the person picking up the trash at the end of the day to the Call Center worker bee on the other end of the phone, he knew everyone by first name. And he treated them all like they were people. Not cogs in a wheel or as obstacles to getting where he wanted to go. He didn’t even treat them as “human resources” at his disposal. He spoke to each and every person on the team as if they were fully engaged in solving the problem at hand. He wasn’t demanding of excellence, he was just so committed to the project himself, so interested in the outcome, and so engaged in seeing it work in the real world that he rolled up his sleeves and got in on the ground floor of each problem that needed to be tackled. He got involved until he understood the problem, understood the severity of the problem, and discussed potential solutions. He drew people into his world. Pretty soon everyone else on the team was fully engaged in solving the problem as well. No one wanted to disappoint him. He created one of the most pleasant working environments I’ve ever experienced.

You don’t forget being around a person who values you, and does it genuinely, and all the time. It’s inspiring.

Normally, I’m paid to be a cog in the wheel. I struggle each day to stay smart and engaged and focused at work. It’s disheartening to say that because work takes up a third of my day. And by the time I sleep, another third is gone. Half of the rest I have to spend time being my own personal cog, doing laundry, washing dishes, putting groceries away, any mundane chore you wish to name. So there’s a 1/6 of my day where I really get to shine. And I’m going to admit this – sometimes I don’t feel like it, sometimes I don’t have any leftovers to spare to for my own ambitions.

So listen, if you’re a manager of people, I’m going to reveal a big secret to you. In the dozen or so years I’ve spent with one company, I’ve run across two managers who inspired me to be good at what I do. I wish I still worked for them. So if you think you’re doing great because as a manager you’re smart or funny or fair, please spare me, okay?

Work on being decent. People won’t forget it.

--Laura

Help yourself. You're family.

There’s a stage to every friendship, where a person stops being a guest in your house. If they ask for a glass of water, you reply, “Help yourself. You’re family.”

Some people reach this more quickly than others, and while it sounds like a title you bestow on a person when you’re too lazy to get up and get them a glass of water, it’s really a much more delicate arrangement than you might realize. Without being aware of what has happened, an agreement has been established between the giver and the recipient of the “you’re just family” title.

First, the giver is comfortable enough with the recipient of the title that they don’t rush to the kitchen to make sure the glass is actually clean before filling it. This is either because they know they washed the dishes last time instead of their children or significant other, or they realize that if the recipient of the glass doesn’t think it’s clean enough, they’ll wash the glass themselves without giving the dirty glass a second thought. And that thought doesn’t give you the shivers the way it might with random folks, because family won’t tell your business out in the neighborhood.

Second, the recipient actually does know where the glasses are kept, because they’ve been in the kitchen plenty of times and over the years they’ve washed the glasses a few times to boot. They may have even washed a few forks. And they know where the ice is, and they know that there’s a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge for after one of “those days” at work, because that’s the way it always is.

It’s always a bit of a balancing act in relationships: when does someone hear “you’re just family” for the first time? Don’t be too stingy with the title this year, okay? Connections these days are tough. People are so busy keeping families healthy, companies satisfied and their summer lawns mowed that it’s harder than ever to reach out, connect and form friendships. And friendships, once established, are difficult to maintain under those daily pressures.

This weekend my parents updated me on a couple they know. When my mother was in the hospital undergoing heart surgery, one of them stayed with my father and me in the waiting room the entire day. He just took off work, so that dad would have a masculine voice in his ear keeping him distracted the way I did not have the strength to do. Now, he and his wife are so busy that my parents rarely see them, and they are struggling to maintain connections.

The same evening my friend Stacy told me about a neighbor having marital problems because she’s on call so much with her government job that her husband only sees her when she’s rolling into bed.

Another friend of ours lives with her boyfriend, yet sees him less than three times a week because he is caring for his ailing father.

Many people I hold dear are so busy that I’m lucky to see them at all, or only in passing. And these are just my friends, so you can imagine that they hold the same complaints against those they share beds, vows or genetic material with. It’s just hard to stay intact when so many responsibilities pull you in so many directions. No one has an ideal situation. You rarely know when you sign up for a relationship just what kind of challenges it will face. In fact, I think if you know them upfront, you might just be one of the lucky ones. You might just need to feel grateful that you had some advanced warning, because plenty of other people get caught up in the first blush of romance, and the challenges just sneak right up on them.

So this summer, when anyone bothers to check in on you and there’s even a little hint that they might want to see you face to face, worry a little less about the state of your house. Toss everything embarrassing in the spare bedroom and tell them to come right on over. You never know; you may need them as much as they need you. This summer might just be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don’t miss that opportunity to tell a previously casual friend, “Help yourself. You’re family.”

--Laura