recurrence

When I was a teen, I had recurring dreams... recurrently... if that's a word. So much, in fact, that I can still remember the dream I had whenever I faced large projects I wasn't sure I'd properly prepared for. And if you don't realize this, a control freak is never convinced that they've properly prepared for anything.
Why did they stop in adulthood? I guess you'd have to consult my subconscious. Maybe I felt like I had everything under control, so there was no need for a dream to work out the puzzles created during wakefulness. Maybe I had gotten into such a rut that I HAD no puzzles.
A few nights ago, I dreamt that I walked into my backyard. The raised bed containers were intact, but my garden was gone. All the plants had been plucked out by the roots and discarded who knows where. As I surveyed the rest of the yard, which seemed fine, I could see just beyond the fenceline where my neighbor's property began. My neighbor's backyard looked like he'd won a contest to have it landscaped. All grass was gone. All structures were gone. Red clay remained. I stepped inside the neighbor's house, which in my dream had become white and mult-storied. There were stairwells everywhere, and young kids of all ages hanging from walls, lounging against doorjams and essentially making racket. Think Never Never Land. They all seemed to know me. They felt familiar, but I couldn't identify specific kids.
I woke up around that point and realized something. I'd had this dream before. Small details had changed. The last time I had the dream, the landscaping destruction had left my home intact, but had taken over the whole neighborhood, like a backwards development project where the workers built the homes before grading the lots or paving the road. And when I'd gone in the house last time, all the stairs were the same, but the children ran from me, hiding in an odd tree growing at the center of the home. I spent the rest of the dream searching for them.
What conclusion would I draw from this? That the uprooting of my life is approaching, and it's getting closer? None of the destruction happened in my yard, but it was more focused this time, and just one house away. Change approaches.
Last time, I never really saw the children. This time, they were all within reach. This time, they were larger. Are the children the symbol of potential? New challenges and dreams? Dreams develop.
I suppose some who have powerful associations with home, those who'd be devastated by the loss of place and things would find this dream troubling. All the destruction. Surely it's the sign that your subconscious is upset. Maybe you should reconsider.
Thing is, I remember no anxiety in my dream. Just lots of steps. Lots of bare land, waiting to be filled with plants and trees. Possibility. That is what my mind is acknowledging. I am clearing the landscape for possibility.
To celebrate reaching my savings goal, I made the first purely luxury purchase I've made in a long time. I got a 16GB Zune HD. Yes, I was taunted by my geek friends. Anyway, I wore it this morning as I walked Mollie. I listened to NPR as they interviewed astronauts at the sunset of the 30-year space shuttle program. While reporter Scott Simon thrilled during a trip on the astronaut's simulator, he asked Cmdr. Mark Kelly if he was going to miss the program and the Endeavor. His answer was so... so right:
It will be sad to "full stop" on the runway for the last time and watch the Endeavor get carted off to a museum. But it's important to do that, so we can move on and do other things. And we can't do both.
You can't hold onto a house and move forward. You can't make a fresh start with a sack full of belongings. Moving on to Better doesn't always mean letting go of the Bad. Sometimes, it includes letting go of Okay and Good and Doing Fine as well. What does your heart ask for? If you tell it to hush when it asks for Better, perhaps you should stop. It will find ways to keep asking until you listen. Maybe through recurring dreams. Just keep in mind that things and houses and jobs will disappear and transform. What remains are human connections and the love you feel for people who had an impact on your life. When you locate those people, you should never let them go. The rest is just matter and particles. It can be reconstructed.

--Laura

No More Flat Beer

Today was a Monday. In the dining room this morning, my dog had left me a present. I do have hardwoods, but it was still unexpected and unpleasant. She’s usually pretty good to alert me to her need for a quick exit, but this morning there was no warning.

Lesson learned: when I need to calm down my dog before bed, flat beer is not the remedy.

In the time it took to shower, she left me another present. Happy Monday to me! Understandably, I skipped breakfast. That’s what I’m going to blame the next part of the day on. I did one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. Then when I was unable to solve my mistake, I involved two customer service representatives in my office, and two other designers in different locations. Two people in two states told me that what was happening made no sense. I agreed. I was stumped. It was a software glitch I’d never seen. I would make changes to the file, save it, and when I’d return the file, the changes were gone. The file was probably corrupt.

Hours later I realized what I was doing. I had two files. I was making changes to one and opening the other, and I couldn’t figure out where my changes had gone.

I need a vacation.

It took me most of the day to tell anyone what I’d done. I simply let them know the files were ready and went on with my business. When I stopped to explain, one of the reps explained to me that she did this all the time and not to feel bad.

Oddly enough, that made me think of my dog. She had lost it, twice, on my dining room floor, so why wasn’t I mad with her? Well, because she’s a dog and not perfect. She would have certainly avoided making the mess if it had been within her power.

So why was I so hard on myself?

If I’m being honest, part of it is pride. It was easier for me to imagine that I had a corrupt file on my system than to entertain the idea that I had duplicate files. The minute I deleted the “corrupt” file to start from scratch, I spotted the problem. I wasted a third of my day because I didn’t consider the simplest explanation first. It was a project I’d been pulled in to fix, and I added to the problem.

Okay, so back to the question. Why was I so hard on myself?

A friend made a suggestion recently. He said that I needed to give myself credit for being a good person with a desire to live according to my values. He pointed out that each day we are faced with the temptation to make bad choices which will spare us discomfort or give us a quick fix of something we want. Dieting is like that; there’s always the temptation to eat a candy bar over a healthy meal because it’s sweet and fast. No one avoids the candy bar all the time. But we want to, we try to, and most days we succeed.

This was his suggestion: review your behavior at the end of each day. First, remember what you were most proud of doing (or avoiding) that day. Second, remember your weakest moment of the day. Third, decide what you’ll do differently when you’re faced with the same situation again. In short, find your “Plan B”.

I like it. You start with the good thing you did. One bad thing, short of global annihilation, can’t ruin the whole day unless you let it and that’s important to remember. My day didn’t start off well, but I got home, had a nice meal and discovered that the signal on my wireless router is strong enough to allow me to work outside. At the moment, I’m in a lawn chair with my laptop. The sound of chirping birds is the most relaxing noise I’ve heard all day. It would be even better with lighted tiki torches. Yeah, I need to dig those out of the shed. That would be stellar.

I know. Welcome to the 90’s. Wireless is still a big accomplishment FOR ME.

But back to the exercise. What I also like about it is that it doesn’t require superhuman strength of will. It just asks that you’re honest with yourself for a few minutes at day’s end, which is harder than you might think. It’s tempting to say “I am weak, but through force of will, I will overcome it!” That’s just setting you up to repeat your behavior and get another opportunity to slam yourself for weakness. But this is more realistic. All you have to say is this: Okay, I shouldn’t have done that. Why did I? Well, I know I get into trouble whenever I… and insert your weakness here. This exercise gives you the chance to name your weakness.

Say you’ve been trying to quit smoking and today you lit up. When you think about it, you realize you’re more likely to smoke when you go out drinking with your friend who smokes. So maybe it’s honest to admit that your willpower isn’t where you want it. Decide that next time your friend wants to do something; you’ll suggest a movie instead of a smoky bar. Or if you really can’t avoid the temptation, decide not to hang out with that person for a few months until you’ve been off the cigarettes for a while. It’s up to you, but the point is, you’ve got Plan B rather than a big fat tongue lashing where you’re the bad guy and failure is death. More on this later. I'll let you know how it works out.

Beating my dog this morning wasn’t going to get the mess cleaned up. Beating myself up for not putting them out wasn’t going to get it cleaned up either. I’m going to be watching her pretty close tonight though.

And no more flat beer.

-Laura